08/30 - God's Will

Clad in skintight creamsicle-colored pants, Julie Chen gave us the eviction episode many Big Brother fans have been praying for. Yes, by a vote of three to one, Amber was sent off to sequester to be reunited with her in-house boyfriend, Dustin.

But before she left, Amber offered some final quotes to fortify her patented blend of delusion and egoism. In the diary room she said, “It’s just not fair. Eric is just looking out for Eric.” First of all, fairness is not a factor in this game. Secondly, who else is Eric supposed to look out for? Amber, like many houseguests before her, got too sentimental and forgot the reason for sacrificing the summer: a big fat check.

Amber also told Eric and Jessica, “I hope you guys make the right decision,” which obviously meant evicting Zach, not her. Amber can justify this because she’s one of the “good people” and clearly only a good person should win the game.

Unlike the remaining houseguests I have nothing to gain by being nice, so my goodbye message to Amber is “good riddance.” It’s not that I hate her or anything; I just didn’t feel comfortable watching her behavior or listening to her comments. While the nonstop weeping was amusing at first, it soon became upsetting. I don’t know Amber personally, but she came across as unstable, small-minded, and preachy, and I think she’s better off at home with her child than embarrassing herself on network TV.

But if you are an Amber fan, fret not--She'll be hitting the motivational speaker circuit this fall.

Now we’re down to only six houseguests. Can you believe it? At this point, only half of them (Eric, Jess, and Daniele) have convinced me they deserve a spot in the final two. Here’s hoping Jameka, Zach, and Dick step up their game in the upcoming weeks if they plan to walk away with half a million dollars.

My favorite houseguest might be Jessica; I like her personality and think she’s an effective HoH. Her only shortcoming is that she’s so easily swayed. I feel as though someone could tell her the sky is florescent green with polka dots and she’d willingly believe him.

At the top of the episode Jessica questioned her decision to not put up the double Ds, saying, “This might be the biggest mistake, like, ever.” These could be prophetic words if Daniele or Dick ends up winning the delightfully sadistic HoH challenge. Personally I’m rooting for Zach— it’s time for him to take a stand and prove himself as a player. Who would you most and least like to see crowned the new HoH?

Other thoughts:

+ I’m kind of over Eric. He’s arguably the best strategist and most level-headed, but I feel as though her undermines Jessica’s game by belittling her instincts. Not nice.

+ Why, oh, why did Julie have to say “America’s Playa”? She’s tragically un-hip.

+ Wasn’t it riveting to watch Julie question Amber about her bigoted remarks, forcing her to take accountability for her words? Oh wait, that didn’t happen. And it won’t in any subsequent interviews according to the AP and realityblurred.com.

+ I am not a fan of double evictions, especially this close to the end. I feel as though each of these contestants has earned the right to a full week of strategizing, so to be sent packing in such an accelerated fashion is hardly fair. But then again, fair is not a factor.

All photos from CBS.com.

08/28 - Cats and Rats

When I watched the opening credits Tuesday, I was struck by how many houseguests have been evicted. This season is progressing quickly.

Unfortunately it appears as though Big Brother is running out of interesting stories, because a lot of this episode was redundant. For instance, Eric again reminded everyone that he’s a “5’7’’ Jewish boy from New York.” Okay, we get it. He might as well get it printed on one of his many T-shirts.

Amber’s praying is also grating. The way she talks into her necklace, it’s like some high-tech spy gear God gave her for instant radio-contact. “Amber to God, Amber to God; do you read me?”

I thought we’d witness more of Amber’s communiqué with the big man upstairs when they began playing that haunting choral music, but it turned to be a Jameka scene instead. And, like her past prayer sessions, it was intense. While I admire Jameka’s gratefulness for her blessings, to me the tears seem a bit extreme. What will happen if Jameka wins this game? How will Julie interview her if she enters full-force prayer-mode?

Fortunately Jessica can defuse any situation. I adore how her chirpy voice and silly comments (“I’m way into church, too!”) keep this game lighthearted.

Another sign that we’re nearing the end is that all but one of the houseguests participated in the veto competition. This one transformed the back yard into a rat-infested swamp. I had high hopes going into this challenge; if you recall there was a similar veto game last year that caused James and Janelle to have an all-out brawl. Unfortunately no one was elbowed or tripped this time around.

A creepy Cheshire-like cat (who sounded like a DJ on a smooth jazz station) presided over the proceedings that ultimately led to Eric’s first veto win. As expected, both nominees attempted to sway Eric into saving them: Zach offered a compelling case, Amber rambled—ending her nonsensical word-vomit with, “I don’t know what Dick and Daniele are capable of!” Well I do. They’re capable of voting on Thursday, not world domination.

Yet Amber isn’t the biggest drama queen in the house. That title belongs to Eric. He was so laughably theatrical with his veto speech; I think he regurgitated lines from bad made-for-TV political thrillers.

After yammering for an hour, Eric chose…dramatic pause…not to use the veto—even though it went against the wishes of his in-house girlfriend, Jessica. This episode saw their relationship reach new heights—including some hardcore makey-outty. (I know, I’m as mature as a 12 year old.)

Here’s hoping Amber is shown the door on Thursday! It’s not quite Dick, but I’ll take what I can get.

08/26 - Cabin Fever

After 50 days of being confined in the house, it’s unsurprising that the houseguest were getting a bit punchy with one another. First Jessica and Eric squabbled for a bit about the mysterious Cheryl, Eric’s maybe-girlfriend back in the real world. I was surprised by Jessica’s reaction—all this time I thought her feelings toward Eric were like that of the benevolent cheerleader for the mousy kid who dresses as the school mascot—but perhaps she does have feelings for him.

The second couple feeling the strain is father-daughter duo Dick and Daniele. In full-on mother hen mode, Dick doted over Daniele about eating her dinner, putting on warm clothes, and taking her vitamins. Daniele’s patience was clearly running thin, which led to this loving exchange:

“How come you’re so impatient with me?” asked Dick.

“I’m NOT!” screeched Daniele.

Frankly I don’t think I could sustain a smiley face in those circumstances, so it’s no wonder they’re so snippy.

Fortunately nothing relieves tension that a luxury competition, especially the first of the season. But before I get into the details, let me say that I’m often forced to defend big Brother against the rolling eyes and upturned noses of friends and coworkers. “How can you watch such garbage?” I’ve been asked on occasion.

And while I always come to the show’s defense, competitions like this one—where contestants frolicked naked in a tub of suds—make it very difficult. Wasn’t that a little too Girls Gone Wild for 8 o’clock? And if they were going to have such a tawdry competition couldn’t they have had it when Mike, Nick, and Jen were still around?

As for nominations, at the start of the episode most everyone thought they’d be safe, illustrating how well Jessica is playing the game (that and the fact she’s the only one who hasn’t been nominated).

Zach wasn’t worried because he skillfully spelled out a rational argument to Jessica as to why he’s worth keeping around. Amber also felt safe, but that’s because her head is too far up her butt to see clearly.

More and more Amber shows herself as the epitome of self-obsession through comments such as “I’m not as small as I look” and “I’m really good at unscrambling words.” Not convinced of all-out arrogance? How about, “I have the hair, the face, and the personality for a top model.” Wow.

Lots of praise goes out to the editors who paired such comments with such unflattering footage. That’s not to say Amber has no future in modeling, I’m just unsure how many anti-Semitic publications are seeking cover girls.

Ultimately the ogre and the airhead were nominated. I’m not convinced they’re Jessica’s true targets, however; and I hope this is step one in a plot to backdoor Dick, also known as the 44-year-old pervert.

Other thoughts:

+ Sure, Big Brother may be lowbrow, but that new show CBS is promoting about the vampire private eye doesn’t look much better. It sounds like a lame Saturday Night Live skit gone way too far.

+ In case you missed it, mid-prayer Amber said, “I love you, God. And God bless you.” Does God really bless himself? That seems excessive.

+ Ideally, who would you like to see having face-to-face time with Julie Chen on Thursday?

Unlucky Number Seven

Name: Jen

Rank: Seventh Evicted, Second Juror (provided she doesn't flee the sequestor house)

Votes: 6 to 0 (including the penalty vote she received for eating real food when she was supposed to be on slop).

Best Ally: Long-gone Kail

Worst Enemy: Dick

Memorable Moment: Despite multiple nominations and her uncomfortable-to-watch pre-eviction breakdown, Jen will be best remembered for her irrational reaction to seeing her photo on the wall of houseguests. Talk about unflattering!

Biggest Blunder: Sadly, Jen's downfall in the game wasn't a tactical error, it was her personality. In fact, Eric disliked her so much he made a snippy remark as Jen was leaving the house after her unanimous ouster.

Trend Detector: Backdooring has been extremely popular this season. Just ask Joe, Mike, Nick, Dustin, and Jen -- That's 5 out of the 7 evictions thus far.

08/23 - The Power of Jen

Early in Thursday’s episode Jen considered refusing to live in the sequester house, which is in clear violation of the rules. This prompted Jameka to talk about the integrity of the game, and that prompted me to roll my eyes. Integrity of the game? Come again?

What a mess! I guess four nominations is a breaking point, because Jen had clearly had enough of this crazy game. Interestingly enough, her chosen method of retaliation was to break and pour bleach over Dick’s cigarettes.

Now I’m sure we can agree that the destruction of people’s property is wrong. But—and this is a big but—how can Jen’s actions be condemned when Eric is guilty of the same misdeed? Especially since the Big Brother producers instructed him to perform an act of vandalism. Were the condiments covering Jen’s shirt excusable because she’s less popular?

There’s no denying Jen was out of line, but I still argue that Dick is the worse offender. The way he deliberately blew smoke into her face and unceasingly taunted her should not go unpunished.

Jen might not be a genius or a jenius, but I think her remark to Julie about Dick’s behavior was spot-on. She said, “I think either way, if it was Dick’s strategy or how he really feels, it’s not appropriate in any way.” Amen, sister.

That’s right, it was nanny from California who had the pleasure of yakking it up with the Chen-bot. The first unanimous vote of the season was even more of a landslide due to the producer-enforced penalty vote that Jen incurred for eating food despite being on slop.

Is Jen a disgruntled and ungrateful troublemaker or someone who no longer wanted to be a producer-controlled puppet? I have no idea, but I could probably debate the matter for hours.

Clearly there is a lot happening that viewers aren’t privy to—even those with the live feeds don’t get to see everything. Many houseguests appear resentful of the producers, but should they have anticipated certain things when they agreed to participate?

Other thoughts:

+ Big Brother has enough trouble safeguarding players from outside information when they’re in the back yard. Flying Daniele and Amber across the country and introducing them to lots of new people seems like they’re asking for trouble. What was to stop a member of the Power of 10 studio audience from shouting out confidential information?

+ Thank whichever God you pray to that Jessica won HoH and not Dick. Jessica is in a tricky position though because she’ll have to betray either Amber and Jameka or Daniele and Dick.

08/21 - A Night in Amber-land

Once again tonight's episode most prominently featured the least popular houseguest of the season Amber—also known as Whaa-mber given how frequently she’s seen crying like a madwoman. This lady is so chock-full of sound bites it’s hard to know where to begin.

For any newcomers, here’s a brief recap. You see, Amber is God’s chosen one. As such, Amber had a vision of winning the power of veto. While you might be tempted to dismiss this as a vivid daydream, to the big-haired single mom this was nothing less than “God’s way of prepping” her for the challenge ahead.

Caught up? Great.

So Amber, without the slightest irony or awareness, started off the episode by explaining how she is a really good person, someone who is always putting others before herself. She also told viewers how this unfortunately makes her a major threat to the others.

Ahhh, Amber-land must be a glorious place: modesty and accountability are thrown out the window and everyone has over-tweezed eyebrows.

We’ll return to Amber later, but first let’s address the other delusional houseguest, Zach. Although we’ve seen nothing to verify this, Zach also believes he’s playing the game masterfully. Call me crazy, but he’s a far cry from Dr. Will. He's not even a Mike Boogie. In fact, he’s about as relevant as the giraffe topiary in the back yard.

Tonight Zach accused Eric of having “no game when it comes to chicks.” Alas, we all can’t be manly studs like Zach, yet I’m pretty confident “chicks” went out of fashion around the same time as “gettin’ jiggy wit it.” Furthermore Zach’s “game” consisted of sitting on top of Jessica, which did nothing to woo her but sure made Eric irate—his voice went up eight octaves! Perhaps Eric should have whipped out some ultimate fighting skills.

To assist Eric’s pursuit of Jessica, America selected the comely pipsqueak to receive his woobie. (I swear it isn’t as dirty as it sounds.) The woobie in question is a stuffed dog Eric had to pretend was a childhood memento. Jessica was touched by the gesture, but I was bored beyond compare. Come on America, it would have been priceless to see Eric straining to keep a straight face while having a heart-to-heart with Dick about his woobie!

Okay, now back to crazy Amber. Despite her premonition, she did not win the veto competition. I don’t know what kind of God would allow a sinful heathen like Daniele to be victorious, but they say He works in mysterious ways.

After conferring with Jameka, Amber went to Daniele to see if she could leverage a deal. Discarding all intentions to play it cool the moment she entered the HoH bedroom, Amber immediately began making all sorts of promises. Big Brother helped us keep track of these wild pledges by inserting a handy ding sound.

Ding! Amber promised to keep Daniele safe for the remainder of the game.

Ding! She vowed to vote however Daniele wants, even at the expense of loyal ally Jameka.

Ding! She swore on her daughter’s life…again!

Oh boy, that was the cherry on the sundae (or final nail in the coffin, depending on your preferred metaphor). Doesn’t she recall what happened the last time she swore on her poor daughter’s life? It wasn’t pretty.

The best part of all is that Daniele only requested one week of safety. Amber volunteered the rest!

After all that how could Daniele not take Amber off the block? As a result, Jen went up instead and may likely go home on Thursday. I’m a bit bummed, both Jameka and Jen are among my favorites, but Daniele is emerging as a great competitor.

We’ll see if her smarts pay off when she and Amber are participants on—shameless plug alert—CBS’s new game-show Power of 10! I hope host Drew Carey remembers to carry a handkerchief when Amber starts sobbing.

08/19 - Big Brother University

At long last Big Brother returned to the fun and fluffy format I love. Thanks to an alarmingly subdued E.D. and several jokes at Amber’s expense, Sunday’s episode was quite enjoyable.

Speaking of Amber, she was the star of the show tonight. In addition to the crying we’ve come to expect, she actually showed some competence. Amber played it cool when talking to HoH Daniele about her nominations and successfully snuffed out the alliance of Daniele, Dick, Jess, and Eric. Not bad, kid.

Then again, there were some other, well…less flattering scenes. You know what I’m referring to:

+ First Amber tried to explain why she answered incorrectly during the HoH competition. She said, “When [Julie] asked if there were seven cards [on the mini-Mad Hatter’s] hat, I knew there were six. But seven’s my lucky number and I just hit true, thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, seven’s my lucky number, yes!’” Huh? What if Julie said “true or false: there are seven months in year.”? Does luck outrank accuracy?

+ Then Amber struggled with some pretty common words, such as superficial, ridicule, and perceive. I briefly wondered if Amber was really deep and searching to find the true meanings of words like “integrity,” but, alas, she’s just not that bright.

+ Lastly Amber took her peculiar relationship with God to a new level. Allegedly, God told her she’s going to win the POV. I guess I don’t have to watch Tuesday’s episode since she already said how it’s going to turn out.

If Amber was the central character, Eric had the supporting role. Right now I’m on the fence about this guy. While I appreciate how passionate he is about wheeling and dealing, I just wish he’d show a little remorse for screwing over the people who saved his ass last week.

Eric’s next mission as America’s Player is to give his childhood woobie (a plush animal) to another houseguest in a moment of vulnerability. First of all, I didn’t know woobie was a legitimate word. Second, this will only be funny if America selects someone like Dick or Zach.

As with every Sunday, the episode featured a food ceremony—and this one looked like a lot of fun. Perhaps I—like Jessica—was nostalgic for the good ole days of college, but seeing the super-sized game of pong had me longing for cheap beer.

We also saw Daniele dole out her nominations to Jameka and Amber. To justify her selection, Daniele told the group she was fearful of being in the final two with such well-liked players. The real reason, as she admitted in the Diary Room, is that Jameka and Amber have been rather passive participants for 48 days. But if that was her only reasoning, shouldn’t Zach be on the block?

Other thoughts:

+ Eric does not make for an attractive woman.

+ Since Nick’s football career hasn’t panned out, he should seriously consider working for Lisa Frank.

+ What do you think about Jen being Daniele’s true target? Will the Supernanny survive this week?

The Sixth Casualty

Name: Dustin, the shoe salesman from Chicago

Rank: Sixth Evicted, First Juror

Votes: 4 to 2

Best Ally: Amber

Worst Enemy: Joe and Dick

Memorable Moment: He might not have won the game, but Dustin didn't leave the house empty-handed. Joe's former flame won cash and an exotic trip during a will-testing veto competition that caused the house to question his passion for the game and loyalty to his alliance.

Biggest Blunder: Last week Dustin was given the perfect opportunity to evict Eric, but decided to stay true to the L.N.C. In hindsight, this was a fatal mistake.

Trend Detector: Pawning does not pay off. How many times does this have to happen before people learn? Oh well, hopefully Dustin will enjoy a nice, quiet week at the sequester house.

08/16 - Dustin Defeated

For me, a huge black cloud hovered above this episode from the onset. Once Dustin crowed about his invincibility going into the vote, it was clear he’d be the one sent packing. And although I was disappointed that Eric betrayed the v-necked wonder, I imagine many of you were thrilled based on comments I received.

That’s right, E.D. is a fan favorite. I will concede that his defenders make a good case, but I just can’t support a person so crass and immature.

Remarkably, houseguests like Eric and Jen are willing to forgive and forget in the name of strategy. Despite being taunted and teased by the evil one, they saw the tactical advantage of keeping someone who’s volatile and honest (if to a fault).

What aggravates me about these houseguests (and those of seasons past) is how shortsighted they can be. Few seem able to devise a plan and execute it—I suppose one week is too long to keep on task. That’s how Jen was able to morph from high priority threat to negligible floater; people kept getting distracted by other options.

Jessica is the best example of this lack of focus. With regards to Eric, she goes from unwavering devotion to complete distrust every other minute. Granted a smart houseguest should always be on-guard, but my head is spinning from these shifting alliances. Think about it: the night Jessica won HoH did you ever imagine Dustin would be the one to leave?

I thought nothing would disturb me more than Dick’s stay of execution, but then I saw the ominous little person hopping around the house. It was entertaining, but I’m a Big Brother purist and this broke a cardinal rule: Houseguests should have no direct contact with anyone from the outside world (besides the occasional floating head of Julie). Bringing circus folk into the backyard takes away from the confining effect of the house.

Despite the buildup, the HoH competition was nothing special. Daniele became the second person to win HoH twice this season, and Amber and Jameka are likely afraid. However, as Dustin’s eviction proves, you can never tell what will happen.

Other thoughts:

+ I bet Dustin wishes he had voted out Eric last week when he had the chance.

+ Poor, poor Amber. First Dustin looked completely mortified by her teary goodbye message. Then Julie asked her a question only to abruptly cut her off a moment later. Sure she started to ramble, but what do you expect from the most emotional player ever?

+ Zach might be a better player (and more likable person) than I initially thought. His purple shirt was hideous, but he was very rational and persuasive when chatting with Jessica.

08/14 - Satan is in the House

I’d like to apologize to the following Big Brother houseguests of seasons past: Mike Boogie, Alison, Robert, Jase, Howie, Cappy, Erika, and the entire Nerd Herd. Although I may have judged you harshly in the past, that was before I knew the true definition of vile. Now that I understand just how loathsome a person can be, I recognize all of you as misunderstood saints and sages.

That’s right, I’ve watched this show for eight years, and I have never disliked a houseguest as much as Dick. I initially intended to make this blog more or less objective, but that was before I knew the sort of person I’d be confronted with.

I literally know second graders more mature than that 44 year old. And after he repeatedly called Dustin “princess” in tonight’s episode, he can now add homosexuals to his ever-growing list of wronged groups. (In my opinion, Dick’s purposeful and calculated hatefulness is far worse than Kail’s misguided small-mindedness.)

Of course it’s not just gay people (and Muslims, and Asians, and Christians, and women) who should be offended by his diatribes. Anyone who values diversity and equality should also be outraged.

Unlike the aforementioned former houseguests who I didn’t care for, Dick is not just a riveting TV villain, he is a menace. CBS should take a stand and remove him from the game. After all, they’ve ejected a few past participants for physical threats; I think his verbal violence is just as deplorable. And while I won’t deny that Dustin and Amber have made revolting comments as well, it hasn’t been as continual, forceful, or downright mean as what Dick says.

Of course you can’t talk about Dick without discussing his daughter. (Sorry, Daniele, but it’s impossible to mentally separate you two). I feel genuinely sorry for Daniele, her position is not enviable. But at the same time I don’t think she needs my sympathy.

Let’s face it, despite the occasional (strategic?) tear, Daniele is made of steel. She doesn’t seem upset or guilty about her father’s sacrifice and she puts on an act to generate compassion from people she repeatedly claims to hate! It’s becoming clear that Daniele is the shrewdest player in the house.

Qualifying for the not-so-shrewd category is Dustin. While he performed like a rockstar in the veto competition, he made a critical mistake by volunteering to be the replacement nominee once Dick used the veto to save Daniele. The number one rule when playing Big Brother is never, never, never offer yourself as a decoy or pawn. It’s not worth the risk.

Why? Because paranoia lurks around every corner of that goofy house! Although I can’t quite grasp the logic, Jessica is now convinced that Dustin and Eric have a secret pact with Dick. This is completely absurd from an outside perspective, but judgment is clouded when you’re eating slop in a house full of wackadoos.

Of course 90 percent of the paranoia has been instigated by the America’s Player twist. Yup, it’s official, America hates Eric. What could’ve been a harmless assignment turned potentially game-altering when America selected Eric’s closet companion, Jessica, to be the recipient of the silent treatment. The voting public has dug Eric’s grave, and the hole might get a lot deeper.

That’s right, Dick could survive this week and America would be to blame. Let’s break it down: The evil one has at least one vote in Daniele, and could get two more from tentative allies Zach and Jen. (Game aside, I don’t know how Jen could ever vote in favor of the man who treated her so poorly.) Assuming all three vote to evict Dustin, we then have a tie. If America instructs Eric to also vote to evict Dustin, the tie is broken and Dick lives to see another week.

Damn. Damn. Damn. I hope Eric has the option to override America’s decision, because if he votes out Dustin based on the people’s preference, well excuse my hyperbole, but everything will fall apart! Eric will become enemy number one among Jessica, Jameka, and Amber, and he’ll have to deal with more of Dick.

I’ve never voted before, but I think it’s time to break out my cell phone.

Other thoughts:

+ I could have done without seeing Jessica upchuck a bacon smoothie.

+ Speaking of the presiding HoH, I adored how she vocalized her thoughts while alone in the bedroom. I didn’t think it possible, but her speaking aloud in an empty room made Big Brother even more soap opera-like.

+ By no means do I expect everyone to agree with me. If you’re a Dick fan, let me hear it. I encourage everyone to share their opinions of the players and their prediction as to who’s heading home on Thursday.

All photos from CBS.com

Bad Behavior

What's happened to the show I love? Big Brother is supposed to be a mindless summertime diversion, as fluffy and forgettable as a marshmallow. But this season has been marred by a wave of bigoted and ignorant houseguest comments.

I don't want to rehash all that's been said, such hateful things do not deserve repeating. But if you're not sure what I'm referring to, check out realityblurred.com. There you can see clips regarding Amber's antisemitism, Dustin's ignorant sense of humor, and Dick's ongoing misogyny.

Not only are their statements disturbing, I'm also troubled by the non-reactions of the listening houseguests. I recognize that confrontation is ill-advised for strategic purposes, but it's cowardly not to voice dissent against such hateful speech.

Fortunately I believe (or at least hope) that the closed-minded opinions of the houseguests are not representative of the general American public. Let's face it, as much as I appreciate these people participating in this twisted game for my enjoyment, anyone who signs up for this show must be a little screwy. I mean, not only do they make ignorant comments, but they do so while wearing a microphone and surrounded by cameras! News flash: Just because you whisper doesn't mean we can't hear you!

I suppose there's the counter-argument. Perhaps our culture is too prickly and obsessed with political correctness. But even if that's true, is that such a bad thing? Although it pains me to paraphrase Amber: I'd rather be religiously and culturally sensitive than hurtful and offensive.

The million dollar question remains: why don't the Big Brother producers air any of this on the standard CBS episodes? My hunch is that they probably don't want the viewers to loathe every single person in the house! Also, internet buzz is bad enough, but if a wider public heard about the brouhaha it could launch a media frenzy they'd just as soon avoid. After all, if we've learned anything from Mel Gibson, Issiah Washington, Michael Richards, and Don Imus, it's that America loves a scandal of this sort.

It would be wonderful if something good came out of all the ugliness. Perhaps Big Brother could call in Dr. Phil for some sensitivity training. At the very least, I hope Julie Chen questions the houseguests about their statements upon their evictions. It may seem unlikely, but she did take Erika to task for her bigoted remark about fellow houseguest Jee way back in season 4.

For now I'm going to try my best to enjoy the silly food competitions, late-night gossiping, and other aspects of Big Brother that make it so much fun to watch. Still, I feel as though someone left my marshmallow on the fire too long and now I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth.

08/12 - The Peasants are Revolting!

There are few things in life that bring me as much joy as lying, backstabbing, and unbridled competitiveness. That said, I feel really uncomfortable when all this cumulates and culminates in such ugly behavior.

Obviously the primary culprit I’m referring to is Dick, who I’ve renamed Mr. Crabby Pants. Yes, Mr. Crabby Pants was in fine form after losing Kail and the HoH competition. (Isn’t funny how Kail was once Dick’s number one target? He’s amassed so many enemies since then that she became his buddy by comparison.)

Feeling outfoxed, good ole Crabby resorted to his favorite insult, calling people liars. Yes, he was downright disgusted that the houseguests would lie to him. After all, who ever heard of people lying or a reality show? It’s unthinkable!

Jameka and Amber didn’t take kindly to being called deceitful, but that was just a warning shot. Soon he broke out the big guns and challenged the legitimacy of their faith.

Cue the pipe organ!

Like a bat out of hell, Jameka went after Dick—oops, Crabbers—telling him not to question the big man upstairs. From there it only got worse: Amber and Dick ridiculed the other’s (lack of) parenting skills; Dick told Amber she was too chubby to be a true drug addict; and—the piéce de résistance—Jameka insulted Dick’s mama!

The whole exchange was, as I said, ugly; but I applaud Jameka for being the first person to truly stand up to Mr. Crabby Pants.

While Crabbykins was waging war, Daniele decided to wallow, saying “I hate it here and I hate these people.” I feel somewhat sympathetic toward her; going after Eric made sense, but she didn’t have the numbers to pull it off. As a result, rather than being part of the big, cushy alliance, Daniele had to do something she must have hated: become BFFs with Jen. My how the mighty fall!

Unsurprisingly, Jessica nominated Dick and Daniele for eviction. It’s touching that Dick would sacrifice his game for that of his daughter, but I highly, highly doubt she’d do the same in return. Perhaps that’s the selfless love of a father, even if that father is a white-trash deadbeat (Dustin’s words, not mine).

As I’m sure you could guess, I really want Dick to leave this week. In fact, I want it so badly I might ask God to make it happen. Eh, then again, Amber and Jameka keep him (or Him, or her) busy enough as it is.

Other thoughts:

+ Jessica may be HoH, but she's just about as intimidating as a Powerpuff Girl.

+ Did anyone else hear Dick tell Jameka, “no one here appreciates that kind of language”? How absurd: he has said some of the most hateful things I’ve ever heard!

+ Amber, with her pencil-thin eyebrows and braided hair, has the oddest approach to praying ever. I think she confused God with Santa Claus or Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother.

+ Why did America select Dustin as Eric’s new target? Haven’t we made Eric suffer enough? Although the twist keeps things interesting, America is sabotaging Eric’s strategy. I think he might become an expatriate once the show ends.

+ During the food competition the team of Jameka, Amber, Zach, and Eric were finding far more $ cards than their opponents. Daniele concluded it was simply bad luck, but I’m sure Amber will back me up when I say it was God smiting her insolence.

The Fifth Forced Out

Name: Kail, the homophobic mother of three who owns four businesses, including a restaurant...with a lounge!
Rank: Fifth Evicted
Votes: 4 to 3 (finally, a close call)
Best Ally: Jen
Worst Enemy: Dick
Memorable Moment: Although she was the first HoH, Kail became increasingly forgettable as the weeks went on. I guess you can't blame her; it must be hard to be chipper or clever once you've been nominated three weeks straight.
Biggest Blunder: In last week's HoH competition Daniele and Kail were the final two participants. Daniele swore to Kail she would keep her safe, but couldn't deliver on that promise. Had Kail held out a little longer, this week would've been drastically different.
Trend Detector: Following Mike and Nick, Kail is the third consecutive member of the Mrs. Robinson alliance to be shown the door. If this continues, Zach will be evicted next.

08/09 - Tempest in a Teacup

Some things are inevitable. Along with death, taxes, and Julie flubbing her lines, it was a simply a matter of time before Amber snapped. And while I often delight in the houseguests’ dysfunction, I worry about Amber’s stability.

Clearly the cocktail waitress from Las Vegas needs to learn that once you tell someone a secret, it’s no longer secret. (This is particularly true if you’re living in a house that's crawling with microphones and cameras.)

Amber's secret shame--which she confided in Eric after knowing him for three weeks--is that she falsely told a boyfriend she was pregnant…twice...while on drugs. Eric didn’t share this sordid story with anyone, but he did inform Dick that he had information that would cause the house to reevaluate Amber’s character. Understandably Amber was furious at Eric for using her confession for his personal gain, but shouldn’t she be most angry with herself for giving him that ammunition? In a game rooted in trickery and manipulation, why did she leave herself so vulnerable?

I’m not trying to let Eric off the hook; after all, what he said to Dick was pretty dastardly. But what Amber must also recognize is that Dick kept his knowledge a secret until it served his agenda. It’s not as though Dick was concerned about his good pal Amber. No, he just wanted Amber on his side and exploited her to make that happen.

Yet as angry as she was, Amber did not vote against Eric. She couldn’t, because she had previously swore on her daughter’s life that she wouldn’t. Now you have to wonder, what would provoke someone to swear on the life of her child? Is a reality show involving bunny suits that important? Next time, Amber, a simple "I promise" will suffice.

In the end Kail went home and, frankly, it was pretty insignificant. At least the vote wasn’t a landslide. For the first time I was legitimately unsure who would be leaving the house.

I’m glad Eric remained, and I’m tickled that his in-house sweetheart became the new HoH. I would have been okay with Jen winning instead, but I’m hoping Jessica will work to get Dick out of the house.

Despite the entertaining drama he creates, that man really needs to go. As the episode was ending he was seen accusing Jameka of being a liar. I really wish I was playing the game against Dick. If he called me a liar I’d say, “Of course I am, what’s your point? It’s Big Brother, remember?”

Other thoughts:

+ Wow, Dick actually does know (B-list, no-name, second-rate) celebrities! Jeepers, I’m so (not) impressed!

+ When Kail gets home I hope she treats her husband to a new hairstyle.

08/07 - It's a Downright Bloodbath

I anticipated that Tuesday’s episode would be a good one, and I was not disappointed. Not only did it have all the backstabbing and whispered conversations I could hope for, but Big Brother also threw in bunny suits and buckets of funk!

Initially it seemed as though Dick and Daniele were on the outs with their alliance. By (somewhat accurately) accusing Eric of disloyalty, they inadvertently put themselves under the microscope for scrutiny.

When it came time for the veto competition, most of the houseguests were determined to have the shiny trinket placed around their neck. Dustin, however, proved yet again that he isn’t a hardcore gamer. He didn’t make it past the first round!

Poor Jameka was once again put in a compromising situation. She had very little to lose, but her allegiance to the group was strong enough for her to make incredible sacrifices. First she turned up her nose at $10,000. Wow. Then she was willing to sit out of the next five HoH competitions. That girl was in it to win it.

Of course everyone has a breaking point. The final component of this intense competition asked how much of the grand prize (up to $250,000) the houseguests would sacrifice in order to win the veto. Wisely, Jameka realized she was in over her head.

It wasn’t until later that Jameka recognized the potential consequences of her decisions. But it is just a game, and I personally don’t think she needed to ask God to forgive her, especially so…graphically. I can appreciate the power and importance of prayer, but can’t you go about it silently? Sometimes I picture God sitting on a cloud saying, “Oh no. Don’t drag me into this.”

Fortunately Big Brother can’t stay somber for more than a minute. What better to negate Jameka’s impassioned plea than by showing Jen trying to look fashionable in a bunny suit. Classic.

Still, Jameka wasn’t the only one to bet big in the challenge. Jen and Kail will be on slop for 30 days. Kail also won’t compete in the next five HoH competitions (if she’s still around, that is). Most astonishingly, Jen will only receive half of the prize money if she wins the game. I bet having to cut her hair doesn’t seem so bad now.

Once Jen won the veto again, it was a given Eric would be the replacement. The real question remained (and remains), how much does the house trust Eric? Jessica seemed to waffle, but Dustin and Jameka are more resolute. Frankly I’d be disappointed to see Eric go home. If he ends up leaving, the guilt lies with us America! Our against-the-consensus voting requests are what caused this trouble to begin with.

On the other hand, I feel bad for Daniele too. Although she might not know the real reasons why, Eric is the rogue voter, and that’s a threat. To make matters worse, her number one ally is also her father, and that man is a psychopath. The words that come out of his mouth are far nastier than the brown funk the veto players had to shower in.

Other thoughts:

+ Eeyore, also known as Zach, does not add much to the show. I hope he is voted out soon, because I don’t care for his Debbie Downer comments, “I don’t have any friends here…People hate me for some reason.”

+ Never let Amber emcee the challenges. For some irritating reason she emphasized EVERY word when READING the veto Instructions.

+ How many times has Kail muttered something to the effect of “Well…this isn’t going as I hoped…I’m not sure what’s going to happen…all I can do is hope for the best…but I’m really nervous…”? Get angry, woman!

+ Who do you think is going home Thursday? Ideally, who would you like to see become the next HoH?

Round Two - Final Four Predictions

Three weeks ago I made my first official guess as to who would compose the final four this season. This estimate was made shortly after Jen became the second HoH and nominated Dick and Daniele. I'm proud to say that all four of those individual are still in the game. But while some still seem like good bets (Dustin and Daniele), others now look like major gambles (Kail and Zach). Therefore I present my revised final four predictions.

1: Dustin: Although he caused plenty of eyebrows to raise by accepting two prizes during the veto competition, shady Dustin has been overshadowed by conspiracy theories and alliance infighting. Often HoHs become big targets, so kudos to Dustin for getting the job done without causing backlash.

2: Jessica: I have to apologize to Jessica. Her beyond-irritating voice and Carol-bashing gave me a very bad first impression. And while I'm still unconvinced that she's a great strategist or manipulator, she does seem eager to play the game. Unless her conflicting allegiances with Daniele and Eric put her in the crossfire, she'll be just fine.

3: Zach: I'll concede that this is a wild card, but I'm sticking by it. The fact that Zach has no friends left in the house could be his best advantage. HoHs are looking to break up threatening alliances and Zach is an aimless loner. Who'd have thought being unpopular would be the key to success?

4: Amber: Ugh. The very thought of Amber in the final four is enough to make me cry. But even though viewers despise her, it seems as though the houseguests see her as compassionate and vulnerable (and perhaps a little kooky). Like the badly shaken Kail, Amber will likely be a pawn for several weeks without going anywhere.

How about you? Who do you think will make the final four?

08/05 - The Mole

It must be a record; Jen and Kail were nominated for the third consecutive week. Although there are lots of factors involved with this repeat occurrence, I think it cements the notion that winning HoH early in the game only makes you a target.

But let’s backtrack a bit. The Sunday night episode continued where Thursday’s left off. The houseguests were in the backyard hanging upside-down like bats as part of the HoH competition. Although I’m not a fan of Zach or Kail, I found myself rooting for both them and Jen to hang on as long as possible.

To his credit, Dick lasted a long time before falling off. But as soon as he hit the mat, the hypocrisy began.

Dick made it his mission to taunt Kail and Jen until they lost focus and fell. Yet he condemned Mike for using a similar tactic two weeks ago! And at least Mike's distraction techniques were playful and innocent. Dick called Jen worthless and spoke derogatively about Kail’s family, but when Jen talked smack in return the entire house was horrified. The scales are a bit uneven, aren’t they?

While Dick ranted like a belligerent drunk, Jen coolly made one comment that packed a hell of a punch. Oozing sarcasm she said, “I almost want to get off just to see Daniele’s letter from her boyfriend and all their pictures.” This was meant to remind everyone of Daniele’s questionable relationship with Nick, and there’s no way that Regina George-like barb didn’t hurt. (If you’re unsure who Regina George is, I recommend you find out.)

Ultimately Jen fell off and it was just Daniele and Kail dangling desperately. Surprisingly, once Daniele assured Kail she’d be safe, Kail dropped out of the competition. (I guess the mom from Oregon didn’t watch season six. Remember the HoH competition where Jennifer promised Kaysar he'd be safe…and then orchestrated his eviction?)

Once Daniele became the fifth HoH, the houseguests scrambled to find out who (along with Zach) had been voting against the alliance. The Big Brother house must be located in Salem, Mass., because it was a witch hunt.

Adding to the paranoia was a low-flying plane that carried a banner reading “We love Nick. Amber and Eric are liars.” Since Amber is too simpleminded to be underhanded, Daniele and the others became convinced Eric is the guilty party.

Poor Eric can’t honestly tell his alliance why he voted the way he did (I assume he’d be penalized for revealing the twist), but I think it he should've crafted an explanation and owned up to it. Better they find out directly from him than on their own.

But no, Eric is sticking to his story and there's no backing down now. I feel bad for America's Player. Not only is his special assignment compromising his game, but the airplane banner was an unexpected monkey wrench. Would Daniele have suspected him without it?

Although Kail and Jen are nominated, just like the past two times it seems as though someone else is the real target. I can’t wait until Tuesday, the veto competitions are uncommonly important this season.

Other thoughts:

+ I love how in Big Brother “don’t tell anyone” is more a figure of speech than an actual request.

+ A picture of young Daniele with her grandmother was included in the HoH care-package. Dick said that he knows his mom is “happy her son and granddaughter are getting closer.” While I’m sure that’s true, I can’t imagine she’s happy that her son is so disrespectful toward women.

+ Amber stated in the diary room that she cannot and will not lie, which itself is a lie considering she lied to Nick last week.

+ Jen tried to show a more humane and compassionate side when kissing up to HoH Daniele. Personally, I didn’t care for it. I prefer my Jen to be self-obsessed and batty.

The Fourth Evictee

Rank: Fourth Evicted
Votes: 6 to 2
Best Ally: In the end, Zach; Not Daniele
Worst Enemy: Jen or Dustin, perhaps.
Memorable Moment: Early in the game Nick became completely smitten with Daniele despite the fact she has (or had) a boyfriend waiting for her at home. Oh-so-sensitive Nick gave Daniele the key to his heart (which was technically the key to his luggage). How showmantic!
Trend Detector: Nick is the third consecutive post-veto replacement to get voted out of the house. It's very likely Kail and Jen will get nominated again on Sunday, only to have someone else go home on Thursday.

08/02 - Cry Me a River

It must be a record: Amber lasted an entire 90 seconds into the episode before breaking into tears. Apparently she was devastated by Nick’s nomination, but as the flashback reminded us, she helped orchestrate it! It’s pathetic, but I think Amber uses tears as absolution for her transgressions. If this continues, one day she’ll likely say, “Yes, your honor, I killed him—but look how sad it makes me!”

I think having Amber sob all over him is what finally set off Nick. Shortly afterward he and his broad shoulders went on a rampage, aggressively trying to determine who people planned to vote for. While I applaud him for not subscribing to the Kail School of Playing Dead, he should have been a lot more tactful.

No matter what he said, however, it was clear Nick was cracking. Not only was his game deteriorating, but so was his appearance. I never liked the mustache, but the Mohawk was even less flattering. And why did he have to bring back the mandanna (a bandanna for men)? I thought we retired that unpleasant fashion statement with Jase and Scott of season five.

Despite his sulking, Nick wasn’t the most unpleasant person in the house. That distinction goes to our resident grouch, Dick. Although Jameka seems at peace with the events surrounding the veto, Dick couldn’t resist berating Jen about her alleged manipulation of the game. (Frankly, I don’t think Jen threw the veto competition, she’s just not that bright).

A short temper might be genetic, because Daniele also went off on Jen, accusing her of being jealous of her relationship with Nick (please, that is so week one). Nick also climbed aboard the Jen-bashing bandwagon, calling her a series of nasty names. This argument culminated with Dick acting like a four year old and pouring a glass of iced tea over Jen’s head. I could write 1,000 words on how reprehensible that was, but I’ll refrain.

I can’t honestly say Jen is completely faultless, but I do think she’s unfairly become a punching bag for the others houseguests. Impressively, Jen didn’t raise her voice once during the onslaught of insults. In fact, none of it seemed to faze her. This expression may be severely outdated, but all I can say is, “you go, girl!”

Speaking of passé phrases, Nick sure knows a lot of them. Nifty? The bee’s knees? He must have been tackled so many times playing football that he thinks it’s the 1950s. Sadly for him, that swell chick Daniele won’t be wearing his letter jacket to the drive-in movie. She looked absolutely petrified when Nick directed his pre-vote comments specifically to her and shared all the ways she touched his life. Yikes!

Daniele’s boyfriend, Doormat, must be relieved the houseguests chose to vote Nick out 6-2. Once again America screwed over Eric; Will the others discover that his was the second vote against Kail?

I suppose it all depends on who wins the swinging HoH competition. Me, I’m rooting for Jen.

Other thoughts:

+ Apparently Kail’s most redeeming quality is the fact that she keeps the kitchen clean. Oof!

+ Zach is like the smelly kid on the playground that no one wants to associate with. I suspect his days in the house are numbered.

+ Nick mentioned not campaigning to people he “doesn’t talk to.” Is it really possible to not talk to someone when you’re locked in the same house?

+ The HoH competition involved a deluge of faux-bird poop. That has to be a new low.

Popularity Contest

I just went to the Big Brother page of CBS.com to check out the current results of the ongoing popularity poll. Alarmingly, my least favorite player comes in first among the voters. This isn't the first time I've disagreed with the masses (I don't find Howie amusing nor do I think Kaysar was a skilled strategist), but don't tell me Dick has a huge fan-base!

Here are the best and worst of season 8 in my opinion. Remember, I reserve the right to change my mind as the game progresses.

All-Stars
1. Eric: Above the rest, Eric has mastered the social and political aspects of the game. I sincerely hope being America's Player doesn't interfere with his master plan.

2. Jen: I never thought I'd say this after the ugly-photo incident, but Jen is a breath of fresh air in the stifling Big Brother house. She is the only one unintimidated by Dick's machinations.

3. Jameka: I didn't see eye-to-eye with her God-logic regarding the veto, but I like Jameka as a person. She seems to keep her cool while most of the other female houseguests revert to tears ten times a day.

Lame Ducks
1. Dick: No surprise here, I can't stand the man. If you're unsure why, refer to any of the previous postings.

2. Amber: You can cry all you want Amber, but you still won't win over viewers. No one in the house is less qualified to play this inherently stressful game.

3. Kail: I had high hopes for Kail initially, but she seems to have lost the desire to compete. Until she snaps out of her haze, Kail is nothing more than a seat filler in the purple chair meant for nominees.

Which players do you love? And which do you loathe?

07/31 - God, the Devil, & Jameka

Please join me as I throw back my head and enjoy a hearty laugh. Perhaps it’s wrong to revel in the misfortune of others, but I had great fun watching the alliance of seven—also known as the Late Night Crew—turn against itself.

We owe the majority of the drama to the veto competition. While “Vincent VanVeto” seemed more inspired by Bill Cosby’s Picture Pages than a Parisian art gallery, it set off a flurry of activity that revealed the group’s instability.

First Jameka and Dick had an ideological dispute. Jameka believes it was God’s design that Jen selected her to participate in the veto competition. Dick, on the other hand, thinks it is just a matter of random chance. The argument was moot, neither party would be swayed from their beliefs, but the exchange exemplified how differently they view the game.

In fact, the people who select the show's background music had fun playing up the conflicting personalities. A heavenly pipe organ could be heard when Jameka discussed her faith with Amber. On the flip side, Dick’s screen time was infused with super-cheesy Van Halen-inspired guitar riffs.

The second point of contention among the alliance was caused by HoH Dustin. While he knew it was important to win the veto, Dustin caved to the temptation of $5,000 and a trip to Barbados. Non-participants Amber and Dick were appalled by his greed, but if anyone deserved to be angry it was Jessica and Jameka; I was amazed how they refrained from snatching up the prizes for the sake of their alliance. Although there will likely be consequence, I hope Dustin doesn't regret his decision: $5,000 is worth far more than Amber’s friendship.

Ultimately Jameka won the power of veto. Since she had made it clear that she was going to take Jen off the block, it caused the weakened Late Night Crew to convene and select a replacement nominee. Many of them thought Zach was the best option, but others were gunning for Nick. Realizing that her "best friend" was in danger, Daniele got flustered, began to cry, and ran out of the room. While I sympathize with her rock-and-a-hard place situation, she must remember that Big Brother is a pitiless game.

Unaffected by Daniele's plea, Dustin selected Nick to take Jen's place. The past two evictees (Joe and Mike) were the post-veto replacements, so things don't look good for the former football player.

Other thoughts:

+ Was Jen gargling mouthwash the entire time Jameka spoke to her? Her breath had to have been minty-fresh for seven hours after that.

+ It’s very clever the way Big Brother is spacing out name selection for the veto competition and the actual event. It allows more time for paranoia to build.

+ Did anyone else notice Jessica whip out some well-thought-out strategy in the HoH bedroom? You could’ve knocked me down with a feather.

+ Potty-mouthed Amber was audacious enough to accuse Jen of crocodile tears. Pot, I’d like you to meet Kettle.

+ A round of applause for the second graders who designed the “artwork” featured in the veto competition. Those kids deserve a juice-box after recess.