Thanks for the Memories

When a school year ends, the students receive a yearbook full of superlatives like "best dressed" and "most likely to succeed." Now that season eight has come to a close, it's only fitting that we dole out some superlatives of our own.

Best Alliance: Dick said it himself, no other alliance in Big Brother history has been able to achieve what he and has daughter have. Even more impressive, unlike most great alliances--i.e. Jason and Dani--there was nothing covert about the Donatos bond. Jen said it best at the finale, there were several opportunities to out them, but they failed to do it.

Most Memorable Meltdown: Amber's full-fledged freak-out toward Eric was all sorts of explosive, but we all know it's Jen's ugly-photo moment that people will still talk about during Big Brother 24.

Worst Alliance: How sturdy is a four-person alliance when only one member makes it past week five? Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Strongest Competitor: Each member of the final three proved to be adept at competitions, but none more so than Daniele, who rivals All-Star Janelle as Queen of the Veto. Remember when she hid the veto-card in a pot of slop? Very slick.

Most Egregious Self-Promotion: How relieved are you that we didn't have to suffer through one of those movie night competitions? You know, the ones where the houseguests compete to watch some forgettable film and spend 10 minutes talking about the subtle nuances of Vin Diesel's performance? Instead, this season we were exposed to the Power of 10. I don't know about you, but if given the choice I'd take Neil Patrick Harris (season 7) and Sheryl Crow (season 3) before Drew Carey.

Cutest Couple: Although Big Brother desperately tried to sell us on the legitimacy of Nick and Daniele's relationship, we all know the real romance was between Jess and Eric. To use Nick terminology, Eric was "one smitten kitten" because Jessica was "the bee's knees."

Worst Competitor: When Jessica was betrayed, Eric swore he would avenge her. The determination on his face at the HoH competition minutes later backed up his words. But sadly, Eric couldn't get it together in that challenge...or any other.

Coolest Competition: There were some memorable veto challenges this year--the Dick vs. Mike stare-down provided excitement early on, and the one that resulted in bunny suits and leotards was even better. But what could top the 7-1/2 hour battle of wills between Zach and Dick for the final HoH?

Biggest Rivals: Dick tormented just about everyone in the course of the summer, but he was particularly merciless when it came to Jen. For the most part Jen was solid as a rock and did not let him break her spirit, but everyone has a breaking point. The cigarette incident was by far the most difficult moment to watch this season.

Most Shocking Moment: For viewers, it was shocking to see one person after the other get backdoored. For the houseguests, it was most shocking to learn of the America's Player twist. Fortunately for Eric, most of them seemed to be good sports about it.

The Lesser of Two Evels?

Well people, we made it. It wasn’t always pretty, but like true Big Brother devotees we saw season eight through to the end. How does this latest outing rank in relation to the previous seven? I’ll post a thorough assessment in a day or two…once I recover from the shock. For now, let’s get into the action!

Amid a crowd that included Chicken George, Howie, Kaysar, and Janelle, our venerable host introduced the show. (For the fashionistas out there, it should be noted that Julie’s outfit was the worst yet, featuring chunky turquoise, a vinyl skirt, and sweater that gave her man-shoulders.) It began with a glimpse of jury deliberation. Early on Jen called Dick “the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life,” so it was pretty clear which way her vote would go. But even if Jen couldn’t get past her emotions (which is valid given how she was mistreated), the others seemed more willing to debate.

Preventing it from being too one-sided, America instructed Eric campaign for Dick. (Curse you America, I’m moving to Portugal!) It was painful for me to see Eric act as the devil’s advocate, literally—but, as always, Eric presented a compelling case.

My favorite moment of this scene was hearing the jury’s creative analogies. I loved the comparison of Dick to a rabid dog (having to be restrained by a leash-holding Daniele). Jameka’s was even better: Dick = Ho, Daniele = pimp. Spot on analysis!

When it got to the Q and A portion, Amber’s hair began to swell and I’m pretty sure her eyes turned green. With a voice full of venom, she asked Daniele why she should respect her after the way she carried on with Nick despite having a boyfriend. (A boyfriend, it should be noted, who was absent from the finale.)

Trying to complete his final America’s Player task, Eric tried to give Dick a softball question that would try to redeem him in the eyes of the jury. And what did Dick do, he spat on it! It is downright impossible for that man to say a kind word about anyone, even when $500,000 is on the line. While no one could accuse him of being dishonest or insincere, I wasn’t sure that was the best tactic with a bitter jury. Daniele’s pageant-type answers may have prompted everyone to roll their eyes, but at least it wasn’t rude.

Once the first five evictees were brought back and the big twist was revealed (I’ll get into that later), it was time to declare a winner. As Julie began to ramble, I wasn’t the least bit anxious, confidant that at least Zach, Jameka, Jen and Dustin would all vote for Daniele.

And I was wrong. Waaaaay wrong. And I was stunned. Dick won 5 to 2. Jameka and Jen were the only ones to favor the younger Donato.

This unexpected outcome raised a lot of questions. What happened to Amber’s belief about wanting a “good person” to win? How can they reward such nasty behavior? Would it have ended this way hadn’t Eric done America’s bidding?

While I’m dismayed that a misogynist and pompous troglodyte is joining the ranks of Dr. Will, Lisa, and Drew (and even lesser winners like Jun and Maggie), I’m sure the people at CBS are ecstatic. The beloved ratings magnet not only made it to the end, but won the whole shebang.

Regardless of the outcome, for me, the highpoint of the episode was watching the houseguests’ faces as Julie revealed the America’s Player twist. It was delightful seeing Jessica, Amber, and the others start putting the pieces together and making sense of all the odd behavior and unexpected votes.

Other thoughts:

+ For a frightening-looking man, Dick did produce attractive children.

+ How astoundingly awkward were the semi-reunions of “enemies” Jessica and Carol and Dustin and Joe?

+ How shocked do you think Daniele is right now that she came in second? Who you have voted for her or her father?

+ As shameless as it was that Julie capped the season by plugging Kid Nation and Survivor: China, it’s important to be forward-thinking. I better dig up my old-school Survivor headband (a “buff” to those who know the lingo).

+ Just because the season is over doesn’t mean the fun has to stop. Check back throughout the week for final thoughts. And thanks for spending the Big Brother summer with me!

09/16 - Everything Old is New Again

I don’t want to come across as overly critical—Big Brother has been a great companion over the past eight summers—but I can’t tell you how apathetic I was about this clip show.

The first segment illustrated how close Dick and Daniele have become as a result of this experience, although I’m not convinced. Daniele still rolls her eyes every five minutes at Dick’s arrogant and/or idiotic proclamations. And she made it very clear that they’d be taking separate trips with their winnings.

Segment two highlighted how awfully Dick behaved throughout the season, and I fast-forwarded through every second. Call me crazy, but I didn’t feel compelled to see him taunt Jen, mock Jameka, and verbally attack the others. It all just reminds me of how upset I am with the remorseless final two.

Adding to the episode’s nauseating effect was the rebroadcast of Daniele and Nick’s “steamy” affair. Blech! At least Eric and Jessica’s pillow-talk was witty and amusing: I enjoyed watching them debate the merits of Kansas.

Rather than rehash the rest of redundant episode, let’s look ahead and breakdown how the vote will go on Tuesday one juror at a time.

Dustin: Since Dick took to calling him “princess,” I predict Dustin will select the lesser of two evils, Daniele.

Jen: It seems like a cruel and unusual punishment for Jen to have to vote for either of the people who treated her with such disrespect. Still, Jen is the type to reward savvy gaming, and she views Daniele as the smartest player (second to her, of course).

Amber: Unlike Jen, Amber’s vote will be based on emotion rather than logic. That will, however, provide the same result as she votes for the finalist who didn’t accuse her of being an unfit mother, Daniele.

Jessica: Now it gets somewhat trickier to predict. Unlike every other juror, Jessica was never the direct victim of Dick’s tirades. Still, I think Jessica will reward Daniele’s competitive spirit and prowess.

Eric: The America’s Player twist is going to shake up the votes one last time. Based on the CBS.com popularity poll, Dick is likely to receive the bid from America, but will Eric be able to persuade the others?

Jameka: Now that’s she’s out of the house, I no longer hear the prayers between Jameka and God. But, even so, I’m confident the Big Man Upstairs would never instruct his faithful servant to vote for the antichrist. Thus, Daniele gets another vote.

Zach: Second to Jessica, this is the trickiest vote to determine. But seeing as how Daniele was the closest thing Zach ever had to an ally, I think he’ll cast his vote in her favor.

What’s the final tally? By my measure it’s a 6 to 1 victory for Daniele. (Of course it would likely be unanimous if Eric was allowed to finally vote his heart and not the way America instructed.)

Rather than it serving as a wake-up call, Dick will unfortunately view his landslide defeat as a testament to his in-your-face abilities. Good luck Africa and Europe, he’s coming your way.

The Twelfth Monkey

Name: Zach, the "muscle" whose mind is like a "samurai sword."

Rank: Twelfth Evicted, Final Juror

Votes: 1 to 0

Best Ally: No one, Zach was a lone wolf

Worst Enemy: The Donatos...same as everyone else

Memorable Moment: Second only to the time he ran naked across the back yard, Zach's most memorable moment was outlasting Dick in the grueling seven-and-a-half hour HoH competition.

Biggest Blunder: Zach should have used the veto to save Eric or Jameka, forcing HoH Dick to nominate his daughter. Had Zach entered the final three with challenge-inept Eric and Jameka, he would have had a better shot at winning.

Evel Reigns Supreme

In the Big Brother tradition, the first part of the final HoH competition was a matter of stamina. And while Daniele is usually a fierce player, after 74 days we discovered her kryptonite: cold water. She looked so miserable, all 20 pounds of her trembling under the icy deluge. Her sobbing--which continued long after she was eliminated--was almost enough to stir some sort of emotion in me. (Could it be sympathy? God, I hope not.)

It wasn't long before Dick resorted to his trademark technique of belittling his rivals. The purpose was to rattle Zach's confidence, but if anything it strengthened his resolve. Amazingly both men remained with their hands clutching their keys for several hours. And then, as Julie Chen foretold, both men began to crack. Dick yelled almost incoherently at Zach...or maybe the water...or himself--it was hard to tell. This prompted Zach to mock Dick, but the longer it continued the more sure I was he became unhinged too.

Once five hours elapsed (five!), Daniele knew her quiet cooing wasn't enough to keep her father focused, so she broke out the big guns and said, "I love you." Was this a heartfelt spiling of emotion or a cunning way to help ensure victory? I have a hunch, but it wouldn't want to accuse Daniele of such cruel Lady MacBeth behavior.

But all the comforting words in the world couldn't get Dick past the incredibly impressive seven and a half hour mark;
he was a shell of a man by the time he stepped down. I hope it was humbling experience that will cause him to think twice before berating another human being. Eh, who am I kidding?

At the start of round two Daniele walked out in the back yard and saw...oh, no, a giant aquarium! Big Brother is exploiting her Achilles' heel! I thought she was--excuse the pun--dead in the water, but she seem to get it together. Dick, however, was like an eel and slinked his way through the competition in half the time.

So round three was Zach against Dick, and you know I was praying Jameka-style that Zach would win. Sadly my prayers fell on deaf ears, because Dick was slightly better at correctly completing the jurors stilted sentences. That's right, Dick won the final HoH.

With the aplomb we've come to expect, Dick belted "It's done! We've won" over and over again. At least I think that's what he said, I was sobbing Amber-style and couldn't hear that well. I really didn't want this to happen. A Donato versus Donato final two? What could be less appealing?! Adding salt to the wound was when Dick mentioned how beloved Danielle and Jason of season three failed to accomplish what he and his daughter did. Ugh. Karma, where are you?

Even though Zach has dolphins tattooed on his back, he won me over in the end. Maybe he's just the lesser of three evils, but I would have liked to see him pull through. (Especially since the jurors would have rewarded his anti-Dick campaign.)

Speaking of jurors, when Eric takes a break from canoodling with Jessica he'll have to campaign and vote for America's preferred Donato. I'm not sure if Dick still has the hardcore fanbase of before, but I predict that's he'll get Eric's vote, and maybe some others if Eric is persuasive. Later in the week I'll detail how exactly I think the vote will go. For now, I'll just hang my head and cry.

Eleventh Evicted

Name: Jameka

Rank: Eleventh Evicted, Sixth Juror

Votes: 1 to 0

Best Ally: Amber

Worst Enemy: The Donatos

Memorable Moment: Even the friendliest and most mellow people have their limits. When Dick slandered Jameka's faith, she responded with a verbal onslaught of her own.

Biggest Blunder: Jameka herself recognizes that she should have played harder and looked out for herself before others.

Win or Go Home

Continuing the trend, the Tuesday episode started off with an unnecessarily long recap. This meant having to watch Zach’s awkward nomination ceremony again, and it was even more distressing to see Dick and Daniele laugh in his face the second time around.

What upset me most was the absurdity of Dick and Daniele taking such offence to Zach’s betrayal, lambasting him for “going back on his word.” They must suffer from short-term memory loss, because the rest of us remember how they betrayed loyal allies Jess and Eric only a few days ago.

Once the Donatos were finished griping, we saw Julie looking resplendent in a surprisingly professional pantsuit. Ms. Chen was in top form tonight: we were treated to a stellar “but first” early on, and several dramatic head turns throughout.

Since she obviously read my most recent post, Julie decided it was time to check in with the jury members. As always, the sequester house—tucked away in some sunny locale—looked lovely. Not only did it have a swimming pool, but it had a waterslide, which Dustin was eager to test out.

Dustin’s solitude didn’t last long; he was soon joined by Jen and the rest of the crew. The footage reminded me how much I miss Jen and Jessica, and how little I miss Amber—but hey, at least she didn’t cry.

Although they mightn’t be best buddies, the quintet in sequester look a lot happier than the four scourges back in the game. Tension was running incredibly high in the hours leading up to the last veto competition of the season. To cope with the stress, Jameka and Zach crammed like a pair of college students before the final exam. Elsewhere in the house Dick tried to build up Daniele’s confidence, but he really just agitated the butterflies in her stomach.

All the excruciating buildup culminated when the houseguests convened in the backyard. As Zach explained the rules of the veto competition, Daniele’s steely gaze and confident stance said it all—she was in to win. Not only was she determined, but she was smart too. Where’s the logic in putting the numbers on the wall before you’re completely sure you had the faces lined up?

The moment Daniele heard the ding that solidified her victory, my eardrums began to throb uncontrollably. Like an irate banshee, that girl screamed for a solid five minutes. And while I’m happy for her, I hate how Dick gets to share in the glory.

Why can’t he ever shut his mouth! Not only is Dick a sore loser, he’s a sore winner! His foulmouthed gloating prompted Jameka to say the best line of the season: “I think I’ll take some wine.”

Once Daniele won, it was clear how the episode would proceed. The only thing I didn’t predict was Daniele’s decision to use the veto to save her father. Yes, there was no risk involved, but it might foster some good will when the jury sees it. (But you have to ponder how crazy it would have been if Dick had voted out Daniele. That complete turnaround and despicable betrayal would have ranked as one of the most shocking events in reality TV.)

Since Dick isn’t that brazen, poor sweet Jameka was voted out. She may not be a strong player, but I think Jameka is one of the most endearing players of this season if not the series. Now, unfortunately we’re left with three fairly unlikable houseguests in the last week. Astoundingly Zach—Mr. “My Mind is a Samurai Sword”—is probably the most sympathetic. And I almost don’t want Daniele to win because, in essence, Dick wins as well.

The final two will be determined over the next few days. On a side note, I loathe how they conduct the final HoH competition. Best out of three makes sense, but there’s no reason why the winner of the first round shouldn’t compete in the second round. It may increase the suspense, but it isn't fair nor logical.

We’re in the homestretch. Now that jury-favorite Jameka is gone, who do you think will win this thing?

The Case of the Missing Jury

Not only have the season 8 jurors been unavailable to the press upon eviction, but they seem to have disappeared entirely! In past seasons we’ve seen clips of what life is like at the sequester house, and although it’s rarely scintillating footage, I can’t help but wonder why we’re being denied.

Surely you know what I’m referring to: We’d see the houseguests speculate as to who would be joining their ranks, followed by the arrival of the most recent reject. Next that person would whip out a video tape (I guess BB hasn’t gone digital), and the houseguests would gather around to see clips of the competitions and ceremonies. (Diary Room footage was not included, as the purpose of sequester is to keep the jury unbiased.)

Again, more often than not this segment of the show was a snooze, but sometimes it was more exciting than what was happening in the Big Brother house! Remember when Howie flipped out at Chicken George and revoked his Jedi membership?

Regarding this season, I’m convinced we’re missing out on some priceless moments. You know Dustin must be ready to strangle Amber by now, and invariably Jen is up to some goofy stuff. So why can’t we see it?

One answer may be that Big Brother is doing sequester differently this time around. Perhaps the jury members are isolated from not only the outside world, but from one another as well to prevent them from influencing each other when it comes to the final vote.

Either that or there have been some budget cuts and the jury aren’t lounging at a resort in Tijuana—they are at the nearest Motel 6.

09/09 - Straight to Voicemail

Once again 60 Minutes’ curmudgeonly Andy Rooney caused a delay in the broadcast of Big Brother. To make matters worse, the first 15 minutes of the episode was nothing but a now-irrelevant rehashing of Thursday’s accelerated show.

Things began to pick up at the HoH competition. Since Dick couldn’t compete as outgoing HoH, it was a three-way heat among Daniele, Zach, and Jameka. I was hoping Jameka would be full of fury after a five-week absence from the HoH competition, but she soon petered out.

Zach won, causing Daniele to enter full-out pout mode. It’s my contention that Daniele is most deserving of the half-million dollars, but I wish she’d stop whining like a jilted cheerleader on prom night.

For her sake, she better rally for the veto competition. She and her dad may be in jeopardy now, but the veto holder possesses an insane amount of power—not only is the veto winner safe from eviction, but he or she single-handedly decides who goes home.

Going into this crucial competition, it is truly a house divided. On one side we have unlikely allies Jameka and Zach. Both better pray that they win the veto; otherwise the Donatos will evict Jameka and leave Zach with the chips stacked against him. Or the other side, Dick and Daniele need to win the veto, otherwise Jameka will vote to send one of them to sequester.

In this do-or-die situation, it’s a shame Zach doesn’t have more finesse. I suppose being suave doesn’t matter much when you’re this close to the finish line, but Zach’s nomination ceremony was awkward as all get-out. What was that line about Jameka restoring his faith in God? Also, describing Jameka’s situation as “unfair” was a poor choice of words—Jameka had the same opportunities as everyone else.

Still, I’m fairly confident Zach made the right decision by putting up the Double D’s. The sad truth, however, is that this may be a case of too little too late—last week was the perfect opportunity to cut them loose.

Let’s backtrack: Zach won the veto when Dick was HoH and Eric and Jameka were the nominees. If he had taken Eric off the block, Dick would have had no choice but to put up Daniele. Zach then votes with Eric to eliminate Daniele, which leaves Dick without an ally and Eric and Jameka in his debt. By doing so, Zach would have earned the respect of the jury and no one could justifiably call him a floater.

Tuesday’s live episode will make it clear whether Zach has a master plan or is just fumbling his way to the end.

The Tenth Man

Name: Eric, America's Player
Rank: Tenth Evicted, Fifth Juror
Votes: 2 to 0
Best Ally: Jessica
Worst Enemy: Like most everyone else, Dick
Memorable Moment: Fingers were pointing in every direction after two mysterious votes complicated the evictions of Mike and Nick.
Biggest Blunder: Sheisty Eric put too much faith in D&D. Had he used the veto last week the final four would look a lot different than it does today.

The Ninth Nixed Houseguest

Name: Jessica

Rank: Ninth Evicted, Fourth Juror

Votes: 2 to 1

Best Ally: Eric

Worst Enemy: In a sense, Eric.

Memorable Moment: Like Elle Woods of Legally Blonde, Jessica proved over the course of a season that a sorority girl with a squeaky voice can be fierce force to reckon with.

Biggest Blunder: The two weeks Jessica was HoH she sent home allies rather than enemies. Dustin and Amber were loyal as lapdogs, so she was foolish to spurn them. But to be fair, Eric deserves the majority of the blame for this.

Trend Detector: Jessica was the first to be betrayed by the Donato duo, but not the last.

09/06 - The Donato Show

It’s arrived, the double eviction episode of Big Brother 8. Considering how jam-packed this will be, I’ve decided to write my reactions as they enter my head. Let’s begin.

8:01 – Wearing black (to match the color of her heart) the Chenbot introduced the fast-paced proceedings of tonight’s episode: Two evictions. One HoH competition. One veto competition. All in the course of an hour

8:05 – Jameka is playing the game for her nieces, godchildren and practically everyone she’s ever met. Play for yourself, kiddo! Eyes on the prize!

8:06 – Could you see how hard it was for Jess to conceal her excitement when Jameka told her what Dick said? She was practically floating on air at the prospect she’d be safe.

8:10 – The America’s Player twist definitely complicates a completely live show. Eric’s assignments will be coded into Julie’s announcements—how 007!

8:12 – It was disappointing (but totally unsurprising) to see Jess get voted out 2 to 1. Will Eric be able to avenge her early exit? Will he ever forgive himself for not using the veto last week?

8:15 – Whoa! Eric’s goodbye message to Jess ended with “I love you.” This relationship might be the most intimate in Big Brother history. Surely it surpasses that of Erika and Boogie or Drew and Diane. (Although I suppose Dave and Amanda of season four were more intimate in the literal sense of the word.)

8:21 – For the HoH competition, do you think the producers had an extra set of stairs ready in case Jessica stayed? If so, where did they store it?

8:26 – That HoH competition was such a nail-biter, it was a three-way tie going into the final question. But why, oh, why did Dick—my least favorite houseguest in Big Brother history—have to win it?

8:30 – Hey, there’s a commercial for some show called Kid Nation. Gee, I’ve never heard of it.

8:30 – That last comment was sarcasm if you weren’t sure.

8:31 – Speaking of sarcasm, Eric did the best he could to “persuade” Dick to nominate Daniele in the two minutes he had. Of course it was futile, and Dick put up perpetual nominee Jameka and America’s Player.

8:37 – Perhaps I misunderstood the veto competition’s rules, or maybe there were fewer green balls than I realized, but why weren’t any of the houseguests searching on the ground?

8:40 – Julie Chen is a stern taskmaster. Jameka was pleading with her about the rogue blue ball, but Julie didn’t even acknowledge her. Perhaps the Chenbot was experiencing a momentary malfunction. Regardless, Zach won the veto.

8:42 – When we returned from the commercial, Dick yelled out “Hey, Rich!” Is that a secret houseguest or a BB producer hiding behind the walls?

8:44 – Surprising no one, Zach didn’t use the veto, more or less cementing Eric’s exit.

8:51 – America and its player made it pretty far in the game. I see Eric as Big Brother’s version of Rob Cesternino of Survivor: Amazon.

8:54 – Being America’s Player was definitely a handicap at times, but I don’t appreciate Eric using it to justify why he didn’t make it further than fifth place. And hey, getting $40,000 for saying “I’d do that for a dollar” isn’t a bad deal.

8:58 – How lonely must Jameka be feeling now?

9:00 – What a long, strange trip it’s been, but we have our final four: Daniele, Dick, Jameka and Zach. Keep posted for daily updates as we enter the homestretch. It’s gonna be good.

09/04 - The Dream Crushers

Warning: a code-red funk has infiltrated the slop supply and infected the houseguests. With only a few weeks left, it seems as though the final six are ready to resume their outside lives.

The first example of this was the silly spat between Dick and Daniele due to his comparison of waitresses to strippers. Was it a stupid remark? Yes. Did Daniele overreact? Yes. Is the strain of the house breaking down their patience? Hell yes.

I’m just waiting for the moment until Dick starts muttering, “All work and no play makes Dick a dull boy.”

The isolation is also taking its toll on Eric: he was an emotional wreck due to his strategic missteps that led to Jessica’s current nomination. The crazy thing is that Eric seemed to want Jameka and Jess to feel sorry for him, even though they are the ones on the block.

Eric’s actions and words are hard to decipher due to the America’s Player twist. He talks about wanted to protect Jessica, but he full-out flounders when it comes to competitions. And he must be uncommonly naïve as well if he thinks Dani and Dick are uber-loyal. Shouldn’t one con artist be able to identify another?

The veto competition saw the return of Janelle, also known as Jedi Janey. Assuming the role of host, Janelle led the houseguests in the sort of challenge she excelled in during seasons six and seven. Fittingly, the former veto queen handed the trinket over to her successor, Dani.

After weighing the options, Janelle Junior decided not to use the veto. Sadly, I think this spells the end of Jessica, but it was the smartest move for the double D’s to make.

Other thoughts:

+ As a strong, independent woman, Janelle should have kneed Dick in the crotch rather than flirt with him. (Same thing with Jess: don’t kiss Eric, kill Eric! He totally highjacked your HoH week.)

+ As if Dick’s snot rockets weren’t gross enough, we had to see Eric fling phlegm across the yard too. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.

+ Are any of you going to check out Kid Nation? Despite the controversy (or maybe because of it), CBS seems to promote it every commercial break.

+ Who wants to share their final four predictions? Once Jess leaves I bet Eric is next.

09/02 - Slip, Slide, and Scheme

The Sunday episode continued the tea party themed HoH competition from Thursday. Far more interesting than those true/false challenges, this one was a serious endurance competition. Repeating the same motion under those sticky, slippery conditions had to be mind-numbing.

Dick and Zach were the only legitimate contenders, which alarmed Dick because he had had an unpleasant exchange with Zach earlier that day. In typical Dick fashion, he said some ugly things, which brings the total number of houseguests he’s verbally assaulted up to seven—half the house! (Kail, Dustin, Jen, Amber, Eric, Jameka, now Zach).

I was definitely nervous watching the HOH competition unfold, and was relieved when Zach won. It was exciting to see a complete loose canon win this far into the game. Much like last season’s Chicken George, who knew what he’d do?

No one felt safe: it was the least enthusiast response to a HoH victory so far, only rivaled by the apathy toward seeing the HoH bedroom. The only one not scrambling was Daniele. Further proving she’s the smartest player, Daniele was rewarded for treating Zach kindly over the past few weeks. If only Dick would let his daughter do all the strategizing for them.

Due to his America’s Player instructions, Eric was angling for a Jameka nomination. I bet Zach received the most votes but was taken out of the running by winning HoH. Whether or not Eric had any influence, Zach nominated Jameka…and Jessica.

In my opinion, these were not the smartest nominations. Zach needs to recognize that Jameka, as the only other person without a close ally, could be his best asset. Perhaps he can rebuild their relationship next week, because if the nominees stay as they are now, Jessica is going home. Dick and Daniele can’t pass up the chance to get rid of their biggest threat.

What I foresee is Dick and Daniele in the final two and everyone in the jury house thinking, ‘why didn’t we get rid of them when we had the chance?’ Allowing Jen to yell, “I told you so!”

Other thoughts:

+ I thought Eric should have given the phone call to Jameka, but hearing about Jessica’s brother returning from Iraq caused me to reconsider. I was touched.

+ Eric finally came clean about the mystery votes of what seems like a million years ago. Luckily enough time has passed for Jessica to more or less shrug it off. But if Dick and Daniele—who still harbor feelings toward Nick— found out, I’m not sure they’d be so forgiving.

Eighth Man Out

Name: Amber

Rank: Eighth Evicted, Third Juror

Votes: 3 to 1

Best Ally: Jameka

Worst Enemy: Dick, Eric

Memorable Moment: Amber will best be remembered for crying...a lot. She was also a fan of swearing on her daughter's life.

Biggest Blunder: Amber didn't make any major mistakes because she wasn't a major player.

Trend Detector: Four men have been evicted thus far, and Amber is the fourth woman to suffer that fate. That means our final six is evenly split by gender.

08/30 - God's Will

Clad in skintight creamsicle-colored pants, Julie Chen gave us the eviction episode many Big Brother fans have been praying for. Yes, by a vote of three to one, Amber was sent off to sequester to be reunited with her in-house boyfriend, Dustin.

But before she left, Amber offered some final quotes to fortify her patented blend of delusion and egoism. In the diary room she said, “It’s just not fair. Eric is just looking out for Eric.” First of all, fairness is not a factor in this game. Secondly, who else is Eric supposed to look out for? Amber, like many houseguests before her, got too sentimental and forgot the reason for sacrificing the summer: a big fat check.

Amber also told Eric and Jessica, “I hope you guys make the right decision,” which obviously meant evicting Zach, not her. Amber can justify this because she’s one of the “good people” and clearly only a good person should win the game.

Unlike the remaining houseguests I have nothing to gain by being nice, so my goodbye message to Amber is “good riddance.” It’s not that I hate her or anything; I just didn’t feel comfortable watching her behavior or listening to her comments. While the nonstop weeping was amusing at first, it soon became upsetting. I don’t know Amber personally, but she came across as unstable, small-minded, and preachy, and I think she’s better off at home with her child than embarrassing herself on network TV.

But if you are an Amber fan, fret not--She'll be hitting the motivational speaker circuit this fall.

Now we’re down to only six houseguests. Can you believe it? At this point, only half of them (Eric, Jess, and Daniele) have convinced me they deserve a spot in the final two. Here’s hoping Jameka, Zach, and Dick step up their game in the upcoming weeks if they plan to walk away with half a million dollars.

My favorite houseguest might be Jessica; I like her personality and think she’s an effective HoH. Her only shortcoming is that she’s so easily swayed. I feel as though someone could tell her the sky is florescent green with polka dots and she’d willingly believe him.

At the top of the episode Jessica questioned her decision to not put up the double Ds, saying, “This might be the biggest mistake, like, ever.” These could be prophetic words if Daniele or Dick ends up winning the delightfully sadistic HoH challenge. Personally I’m rooting for Zach— it’s time for him to take a stand and prove himself as a player. Who would you most and least like to see crowned the new HoH?

Other thoughts:

+ I’m kind of over Eric. He’s arguably the best strategist and most level-headed, but I feel as though her undermines Jessica’s game by belittling her instincts. Not nice.

+ Why, oh, why did Julie have to say “America’s Playa”? She’s tragically un-hip.

+ Wasn’t it riveting to watch Julie question Amber about her bigoted remarks, forcing her to take accountability for her words? Oh wait, that didn’t happen. And it won’t in any subsequent interviews according to the AP and realityblurred.com.

+ I am not a fan of double evictions, especially this close to the end. I feel as though each of these contestants has earned the right to a full week of strategizing, so to be sent packing in such an accelerated fashion is hardly fair. But then again, fair is not a factor.

All photos from CBS.com.

08/28 - Cats and Rats

When I watched the opening credits Tuesday, I was struck by how many houseguests have been evicted. This season is progressing quickly.

Unfortunately it appears as though Big Brother is running out of interesting stories, because a lot of this episode was redundant. For instance, Eric again reminded everyone that he’s a “5’7’’ Jewish boy from New York.” Okay, we get it. He might as well get it printed on one of his many T-shirts.

Amber’s praying is also grating. The way she talks into her necklace, it’s like some high-tech spy gear God gave her for instant radio-contact. “Amber to God, Amber to God; do you read me?”

I thought we’d witness more of Amber’s communiqué with the big man upstairs when they began playing that haunting choral music, but it turned to be a Jameka scene instead. And, like her past prayer sessions, it was intense. While I admire Jameka’s gratefulness for her blessings, to me the tears seem a bit extreme. What will happen if Jameka wins this game? How will Julie interview her if she enters full-force prayer-mode?

Fortunately Jessica can defuse any situation. I adore how her chirpy voice and silly comments (“I’m way into church, too!”) keep this game lighthearted.

Another sign that we’re nearing the end is that all but one of the houseguests participated in the veto competition. This one transformed the back yard into a rat-infested swamp. I had high hopes going into this challenge; if you recall there was a similar veto game last year that caused James and Janelle to have an all-out brawl. Unfortunately no one was elbowed or tripped this time around.

A creepy Cheshire-like cat (who sounded like a DJ on a smooth jazz station) presided over the proceedings that ultimately led to Eric’s first veto win. As expected, both nominees attempted to sway Eric into saving them: Zach offered a compelling case, Amber rambled—ending her nonsensical word-vomit with, “I don’t know what Dick and Daniele are capable of!” Well I do. They’re capable of voting on Thursday, not world domination.

Yet Amber isn’t the biggest drama queen in the house. That title belongs to Eric. He was so laughably theatrical with his veto speech; I think he regurgitated lines from bad made-for-TV political thrillers.

After yammering for an hour, Eric chose…dramatic pause…not to use the veto—even though it went against the wishes of his in-house girlfriend, Jessica. This episode saw their relationship reach new heights—including some hardcore makey-outty. (I know, I’m as mature as a 12 year old.)

Here’s hoping Amber is shown the door on Thursday! It’s not quite Dick, but I’ll take what I can get.

08/26 - Cabin Fever

After 50 days of being confined in the house, it’s unsurprising that the houseguest were getting a bit punchy with one another. First Jessica and Eric squabbled for a bit about the mysterious Cheryl, Eric’s maybe-girlfriend back in the real world. I was surprised by Jessica’s reaction—all this time I thought her feelings toward Eric were like that of the benevolent cheerleader for the mousy kid who dresses as the school mascot—but perhaps she does have feelings for him.

The second couple feeling the strain is father-daughter duo Dick and Daniele. In full-on mother hen mode, Dick doted over Daniele about eating her dinner, putting on warm clothes, and taking her vitamins. Daniele’s patience was clearly running thin, which led to this loving exchange:

“How come you’re so impatient with me?” asked Dick.

“I’m NOT!” screeched Daniele.

Frankly I don’t think I could sustain a smiley face in those circumstances, so it’s no wonder they’re so snippy.

Fortunately nothing relieves tension that a luxury competition, especially the first of the season. But before I get into the details, let me say that I’m often forced to defend big Brother against the rolling eyes and upturned noses of friends and coworkers. “How can you watch such garbage?” I’ve been asked on occasion.

And while I always come to the show’s defense, competitions like this one—where contestants frolicked naked in a tub of suds—make it very difficult. Wasn’t that a little too Girls Gone Wild for 8 o’clock? And if they were going to have such a tawdry competition couldn’t they have had it when Mike, Nick, and Jen were still around?

As for nominations, at the start of the episode most everyone thought they’d be safe, illustrating how well Jessica is playing the game (that and the fact she’s the only one who hasn’t been nominated).

Zach wasn’t worried because he skillfully spelled out a rational argument to Jessica as to why he’s worth keeping around. Amber also felt safe, but that’s because her head is too far up her butt to see clearly.

More and more Amber shows herself as the epitome of self-obsession through comments such as “I’m not as small as I look” and “I’m really good at unscrambling words.” Not convinced of all-out arrogance? How about, “I have the hair, the face, and the personality for a top model.” Wow.

Lots of praise goes out to the editors who paired such comments with such unflattering footage. That’s not to say Amber has no future in modeling, I’m just unsure how many anti-Semitic publications are seeking cover girls.

Ultimately the ogre and the airhead were nominated. I’m not convinced they’re Jessica’s true targets, however; and I hope this is step one in a plot to backdoor Dick, also known as the 44-year-old pervert.

Other thoughts:

+ Sure, Big Brother may be lowbrow, but that new show CBS is promoting about the vampire private eye doesn’t look much better. It sounds like a lame Saturday Night Live skit gone way too far.

+ In case you missed it, mid-prayer Amber said, “I love you, God. And God bless you.” Does God really bless himself? That seems excessive.

+ Ideally, who would you like to see having face-to-face time with Julie Chen on Thursday?

Unlucky Number Seven

Name: Jen

Rank: Seventh Evicted, Second Juror (provided she doesn't flee the sequestor house)

Votes: 6 to 0 (including the penalty vote she received for eating real food when she was supposed to be on slop).

Best Ally: Long-gone Kail

Worst Enemy: Dick

Memorable Moment: Despite multiple nominations and her uncomfortable-to-watch pre-eviction breakdown, Jen will be best remembered for her irrational reaction to seeing her photo on the wall of houseguests. Talk about unflattering!

Biggest Blunder: Sadly, Jen's downfall in the game wasn't a tactical error, it was her personality. In fact, Eric disliked her so much he made a snippy remark as Jen was leaving the house after her unanimous ouster.

Trend Detector: Backdooring has been extremely popular this season. Just ask Joe, Mike, Nick, Dustin, and Jen -- That's 5 out of the 7 evictions thus far.

08/23 - The Power of Jen

Early in Thursday’s episode Jen considered refusing to live in the sequester house, which is in clear violation of the rules. This prompted Jameka to talk about the integrity of the game, and that prompted me to roll my eyes. Integrity of the game? Come again?

What a mess! I guess four nominations is a breaking point, because Jen had clearly had enough of this crazy game. Interestingly enough, her chosen method of retaliation was to break and pour bleach over Dick’s cigarettes.

Now I’m sure we can agree that the destruction of people’s property is wrong. But—and this is a big but—how can Jen’s actions be condemned when Eric is guilty of the same misdeed? Especially since the Big Brother producers instructed him to perform an act of vandalism. Were the condiments covering Jen’s shirt excusable because she’s less popular?

There’s no denying Jen was out of line, but I still argue that Dick is the worse offender. The way he deliberately blew smoke into her face and unceasingly taunted her should not go unpunished.

Jen might not be a genius or a jenius, but I think her remark to Julie about Dick’s behavior was spot-on. She said, “I think either way, if it was Dick’s strategy or how he really feels, it’s not appropriate in any way.” Amen, sister.

That’s right, it was nanny from California who had the pleasure of yakking it up with the Chen-bot. The first unanimous vote of the season was even more of a landslide due to the producer-enforced penalty vote that Jen incurred for eating food despite being on slop.

Is Jen a disgruntled and ungrateful troublemaker or someone who no longer wanted to be a producer-controlled puppet? I have no idea, but I could probably debate the matter for hours.

Clearly there is a lot happening that viewers aren’t privy to—even those with the live feeds don’t get to see everything. Many houseguests appear resentful of the producers, but should they have anticipated certain things when they agreed to participate?

Other thoughts:

+ Big Brother has enough trouble safeguarding players from outside information when they’re in the back yard. Flying Daniele and Amber across the country and introducing them to lots of new people seems like they’re asking for trouble. What was to stop a member of the Power of 10 studio audience from shouting out confidential information?

+ Thank whichever God you pray to that Jessica won HoH and not Dick. Jessica is in a tricky position though because she’ll have to betray either Amber and Jameka or Daniele and Dick.

08/21 - A Night in Amber-land

Once again tonight's episode most prominently featured the least popular houseguest of the season Amber—also known as Whaa-mber given how frequently she’s seen crying like a madwoman. This lady is so chock-full of sound bites it’s hard to know where to begin.

For any newcomers, here’s a brief recap. You see, Amber is God’s chosen one. As such, Amber had a vision of winning the power of veto. While you might be tempted to dismiss this as a vivid daydream, to the big-haired single mom this was nothing less than “God’s way of prepping” her for the challenge ahead.

Caught up? Great.

So Amber, without the slightest irony or awareness, started off the episode by explaining how she is a really good person, someone who is always putting others before herself. She also told viewers how this unfortunately makes her a major threat to the others.

Ahhh, Amber-land must be a glorious place: modesty and accountability are thrown out the window and everyone has over-tweezed eyebrows.

We’ll return to Amber later, but first let’s address the other delusional houseguest, Zach. Although we’ve seen nothing to verify this, Zach also believes he’s playing the game masterfully. Call me crazy, but he’s a far cry from Dr. Will. He's not even a Mike Boogie. In fact, he’s about as relevant as the giraffe topiary in the back yard.

Tonight Zach accused Eric of having “no game when it comes to chicks.” Alas, we all can’t be manly studs like Zach, yet I’m pretty confident “chicks” went out of fashion around the same time as “gettin’ jiggy wit it.” Furthermore Zach’s “game” consisted of sitting on top of Jessica, which did nothing to woo her but sure made Eric irate—his voice went up eight octaves! Perhaps Eric should have whipped out some ultimate fighting skills.

To assist Eric’s pursuit of Jessica, America selected the comely pipsqueak to receive his woobie. (I swear it isn’t as dirty as it sounds.) The woobie in question is a stuffed dog Eric had to pretend was a childhood memento. Jessica was touched by the gesture, but I was bored beyond compare. Come on America, it would have been priceless to see Eric straining to keep a straight face while having a heart-to-heart with Dick about his woobie!

Okay, now back to crazy Amber. Despite her premonition, she did not win the veto competition. I don’t know what kind of God would allow a sinful heathen like Daniele to be victorious, but they say He works in mysterious ways.

After conferring with Jameka, Amber went to Daniele to see if she could leverage a deal. Discarding all intentions to play it cool the moment she entered the HoH bedroom, Amber immediately began making all sorts of promises. Big Brother helped us keep track of these wild pledges by inserting a handy ding sound.

Ding! Amber promised to keep Daniele safe for the remainder of the game.

Ding! She vowed to vote however Daniele wants, even at the expense of loyal ally Jameka.

Ding! She swore on her daughter’s life…again!

Oh boy, that was the cherry on the sundae (or final nail in the coffin, depending on your preferred metaphor). Doesn’t she recall what happened the last time she swore on her poor daughter’s life? It wasn’t pretty.

The best part of all is that Daniele only requested one week of safety. Amber volunteered the rest!

After all that how could Daniele not take Amber off the block? As a result, Jen went up instead and may likely go home on Thursday. I’m a bit bummed, both Jameka and Jen are among my favorites, but Daniele is emerging as a great competitor.

We’ll see if her smarts pay off when she and Amber are participants on—shameless plug alert—CBS’s new game-show Power of 10! I hope host Drew Carey remembers to carry a handkerchief when Amber starts sobbing.

08/19 - Big Brother University

At long last Big Brother returned to the fun and fluffy format I love. Thanks to an alarmingly subdued E.D. and several jokes at Amber’s expense, Sunday’s episode was quite enjoyable.

Speaking of Amber, she was the star of the show tonight. In addition to the crying we’ve come to expect, she actually showed some competence. Amber played it cool when talking to HoH Daniele about her nominations and successfully snuffed out the alliance of Daniele, Dick, Jess, and Eric. Not bad, kid.

Then again, there were some other, well…less flattering scenes. You know what I’m referring to:

+ First Amber tried to explain why she answered incorrectly during the HoH competition. She said, “When [Julie] asked if there were seven cards [on the mini-Mad Hatter’s] hat, I knew there were six. But seven’s my lucky number and I just hit true, thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, seven’s my lucky number, yes!’” Huh? What if Julie said “true or false: there are seven months in year.”? Does luck outrank accuracy?

+ Then Amber struggled with some pretty common words, such as superficial, ridicule, and perceive. I briefly wondered if Amber was really deep and searching to find the true meanings of words like “integrity,” but, alas, she’s just not that bright.

+ Lastly Amber took her peculiar relationship with God to a new level. Allegedly, God told her she’s going to win the POV. I guess I don’t have to watch Tuesday’s episode since she already said how it’s going to turn out.

If Amber was the central character, Eric had the supporting role. Right now I’m on the fence about this guy. While I appreciate how passionate he is about wheeling and dealing, I just wish he’d show a little remorse for screwing over the people who saved his ass last week.

Eric’s next mission as America’s Player is to give his childhood woobie (a plush animal) to another houseguest in a moment of vulnerability. First of all, I didn’t know woobie was a legitimate word. Second, this will only be funny if America selects someone like Dick or Zach.

As with every Sunday, the episode featured a food ceremony—and this one looked like a lot of fun. Perhaps I—like Jessica—was nostalgic for the good ole days of college, but seeing the super-sized game of pong had me longing for cheap beer.

We also saw Daniele dole out her nominations to Jameka and Amber. To justify her selection, Daniele told the group she was fearful of being in the final two with such well-liked players. The real reason, as she admitted in the Diary Room, is that Jameka and Amber have been rather passive participants for 48 days. But if that was her only reasoning, shouldn’t Zach be on the block?

Other thoughts:

+ Eric does not make for an attractive woman.

+ Since Nick’s football career hasn’t panned out, he should seriously consider working for Lisa Frank.

+ What do you think about Jen being Daniele’s true target? Will the Supernanny survive this week?