Thanks for the Memories

When a school year ends, the students receive a yearbook full of superlatives like "best dressed" and "most likely to succeed." Now that season eight has come to a close, it's only fitting that we dole out some superlatives of our own.

Best Alliance: Dick said it himself, no other alliance in Big Brother history has been able to achieve what he and has daughter have. Even more impressive, unlike most great alliances--i.e. Jason and Dani--there was nothing covert about the Donatos bond. Jen said it best at the finale, there were several opportunities to out them, but they failed to do it.

Most Memorable Meltdown: Amber's full-fledged freak-out toward Eric was all sorts of explosive, but we all know it's Jen's ugly-photo moment that people will still talk about during Big Brother 24.

Worst Alliance: How sturdy is a four-person alliance when only one member makes it past week five? Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Strongest Competitor: Each member of the final three proved to be adept at competitions, but none more so than Daniele, who rivals All-Star Janelle as Queen of the Veto. Remember when she hid the veto-card in a pot of slop? Very slick.

Most Egregious Self-Promotion: How relieved are you that we didn't have to suffer through one of those movie night competitions? You know, the ones where the houseguests compete to watch some forgettable film and spend 10 minutes talking about the subtle nuances of Vin Diesel's performance? Instead, this season we were exposed to the Power of 10. I don't know about you, but if given the choice I'd take Neil Patrick Harris (season 7) and Sheryl Crow (season 3) before Drew Carey.

Cutest Couple: Although Big Brother desperately tried to sell us on the legitimacy of Nick and Daniele's relationship, we all know the real romance was between Jess and Eric. To use Nick terminology, Eric was "one smitten kitten" because Jessica was "the bee's knees."

Worst Competitor: When Jessica was betrayed, Eric swore he would avenge her. The determination on his face at the HoH competition minutes later backed up his words. But sadly, Eric couldn't get it together in that challenge...or any other.

Coolest Competition: There were some memorable veto challenges this year--the Dick vs. Mike stare-down provided excitement early on, and the one that resulted in bunny suits and leotards was even better. But what could top the 7-1/2 hour battle of wills between Zach and Dick for the final HoH?

Biggest Rivals: Dick tormented just about everyone in the course of the summer, but he was particularly merciless when it came to Jen. For the most part Jen was solid as a rock and did not let him break her spirit, but everyone has a breaking point. The cigarette incident was by far the most difficult moment to watch this season.

Most Shocking Moment: For viewers, it was shocking to see one person after the other get backdoored. For the houseguests, it was most shocking to learn of the America's Player twist. Fortunately for Eric, most of them seemed to be good sports about it.

The Lesser of Two Evels?

Well people, we made it. It wasn’t always pretty, but like true Big Brother devotees we saw season eight through to the end. How does this latest outing rank in relation to the previous seven? I’ll post a thorough assessment in a day or two…once I recover from the shock. For now, let’s get into the action!

Amid a crowd that included Chicken George, Howie, Kaysar, and Janelle, our venerable host introduced the show. (For the fashionistas out there, it should be noted that Julie’s outfit was the worst yet, featuring chunky turquoise, a vinyl skirt, and sweater that gave her man-shoulders.) It began with a glimpse of jury deliberation. Early on Jen called Dick “the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life,” so it was pretty clear which way her vote would go. But even if Jen couldn’t get past her emotions (which is valid given how she was mistreated), the others seemed more willing to debate.

Preventing it from being too one-sided, America instructed Eric campaign for Dick. (Curse you America, I’m moving to Portugal!) It was painful for me to see Eric act as the devil’s advocate, literally—but, as always, Eric presented a compelling case.

My favorite moment of this scene was hearing the jury’s creative analogies. I loved the comparison of Dick to a rabid dog (having to be restrained by a leash-holding Daniele). Jameka’s was even better: Dick = Ho, Daniele = pimp. Spot on analysis!

When it got to the Q and A portion, Amber’s hair began to swell and I’m pretty sure her eyes turned green. With a voice full of venom, she asked Daniele why she should respect her after the way she carried on with Nick despite having a boyfriend. (A boyfriend, it should be noted, who was absent from the finale.)

Trying to complete his final America’s Player task, Eric tried to give Dick a softball question that would try to redeem him in the eyes of the jury. And what did Dick do, he spat on it! It is downright impossible for that man to say a kind word about anyone, even when $500,000 is on the line. While no one could accuse him of being dishonest or insincere, I wasn’t sure that was the best tactic with a bitter jury. Daniele’s pageant-type answers may have prompted everyone to roll their eyes, but at least it wasn’t rude.

Once the first five evictees were brought back and the big twist was revealed (I’ll get into that later), it was time to declare a winner. As Julie began to ramble, I wasn’t the least bit anxious, confidant that at least Zach, Jameka, Jen and Dustin would all vote for Daniele.

And I was wrong. Waaaaay wrong. And I was stunned. Dick won 5 to 2. Jameka and Jen were the only ones to favor the younger Donato.

This unexpected outcome raised a lot of questions. What happened to Amber’s belief about wanting a “good person” to win? How can they reward such nasty behavior? Would it have ended this way hadn’t Eric done America’s bidding?

While I’m dismayed that a misogynist and pompous troglodyte is joining the ranks of Dr. Will, Lisa, and Drew (and even lesser winners like Jun and Maggie), I’m sure the people at CBS are ecstatic. The beloved ratings magnet not only made it to the end, but won the whole shebang.

Regardless of the outcome, for me, the highpoint of the episode was watching the houseguests’ faces as Julie revealed the America’s Player twist. It was delightful seeing Jessica, Amber, and the others start putting the pieces together and making sense of all the odd behavior and unexpected votes.

Other thoughts:

+ For a frightening-looking man, Dick did produce attractive children.

+ How astoundingly awkward were the semi-reunions of “enemies” Jessica and Carol and Dustin and Joe?

+ How shocked do you think Daniele is right now that she came in second? Who you have voted for her or her father?

+ As shameless as it was that Julie capped the season by plugging Kid Nation and Survivor: China, it’s important to be forward-thinking. I better dig up my old-school Survivor headband (a “buff” to those who know the lingo).

+ Just because the season is over doesn’t mean the fun has to stop. Check back throughout the week for final thoughts. And thanks for spending the Big Brother summer with me!

09/16 - Everything Old is New Again

I don’t want to come across as overly critical—Big Brother has been a great companion over the past eight summers—but I can’t tell you how apathetic I was about this clip show.

The first segment illustrated how close Dick and Daniele have become as a result of this experience, although I’m not convinced. Daniele still rolls her eyes every five minutes at Dick’s arrogant and/or idiotic proclamations. And she made it very clear that they’d be taking separate trips with their winnings.

Segment two highlighted how awfully Dick behaved throughout the season, and I fast-forwarded through every second. Call me crazy, but I didn’t feel compelled to see him taunt Jen, mock Jameka, and verbally attack the others. It all just reminds me of how upset I am with the remorseless final two.

Adding to the episode’s nauseating effect was the rebroadcast of Daniele and Nick’s “steamy” affair. Blech! At least Eric and Jessica’s pillow-talk was witty and amusing: I enjoyed watching them debate the merits of Kansas.

Rather than rehash the rest of redundant episode, let’s look ahead and breakdown how the vote will go on Tuesday one juror at a time.

Dustin: Since Dick took to calling him “princess,” I predict Dustin will select the lesser of two evils, Daniele.

Jen: It seems like a cruel and unusual punishment for Jen to have to vote for either of the people who treated her with such disrespect. Still, Jen is the type to reward savvy gaming, and she views Daniele as the smartest player (second to her, of course).

Amber: Unlike Jen, Amber’s vote will be based on emotion rather than logic. That will, however, provide the same result as she votes for the finalist who didn’t accuse her of being an unfit mother, Daniele.

Jessica: Now it gets somewhat trickier to predict. Unlike every other juror, Jessica was never the direct victim of Dick’s tirades. Still, I think Jessica will reward Daniele’s competitive spirit and prowess.

Eric: The America’s Player twist is going to shake up the votes one last time. Based on the CBS.com popularity poll, Dick is likely to receive the bid from America, but will Eric be able to persuade the others?

Jameka: Now that’s she’s out of the house, I no longer hear the prayers between Jameka and God. But, even so, I’m confident the Big Man Upstairs would never instruct his faithful servant to vote for the antichrist. Thus, Daniele gets another vote.

Zach: Second to Jessica, this is the trickiest vote to determine. But seeing as how Daniele was the closest thing Zach ever had to an ally, I think he’ll cast his vote in her favor.

What’s the final tally? By my measure it’s a 6 to 1 victory for Daniele. (Of course it would likely be unanimous if Eric was allowed to finally vote his heart and not the way America instructed.)

Rather than it serving as a wake-up call, Dick will unfortunately view his landslide defeat as a testament to his in-your-face abilities. Good luck Africa and Europe, he’s coming your way.

The Twelfth Monkey

Name: Zach, the "muscle" whose mind is like a "samurai sword."

Rank: Twelfth Evicted, Final Juror

Votes: 1 to 0

Best Ally: No one, Zach was a lone wolf

Worst Enemy: The Donatos...same as everyone else

Memorable Moment: Second only to the time he ran naked across the back yard, Zach's most memorable moment was outlasting Dick in the grueling seven-and-a-half hour HoH competition.

Biggest Blunder: Zach should have used the veto to save Eric or Jameka, forcing HoH Dick to nominate his daughter. Had Zach entered the final three with challenge-inept Eric and Jameka, he would have had a better shot at winning.

Evel Reigns Supreme

In the Big Brother tradition, the first part of the final HoH competition was a matter of stamina. And while Daniele is usually a fierce player, after 74 days we discovered her kryptonite: cold water. She looked so miserable, all 20 pounds of her trembling under the icy deluge. Her sobbing--which continued long after she was eliminated--was almost enough to stir some sort of emotion in me. (Could it be sympathy? God, I hope not.)

It wasn't long before Dick resorted to his trademark technique of belittling his rivals. The purpose was to rattle Zach's confidence, but if anything it strengthened his resolve. Amazingly both men remained with their hands clutching their keys for several hours. And then, as Julie Chen foretold, both men began to crack. Dick yelled almost incoherently at Zach...or maybe the water...or himself--it was hard to tell. This prompted Zach to mock Dick, but the longer it continued the more sure I was he became unhinged too.

Once five hours elapsed (five!), Daniele knew her quiet cooing wasn't enough to keep her father focused, so she broke out the big guns and said, "I love you." Was this a heartfelt spiling of emotion or a cunning way to help ensure victory? I have a hunch, but it wouldn't want to accuse Daniele of such cruel Lady MacBeth behavior.

But all the comforting words in the world couldn't get Dick past the incredibly impressive seven and a half hour mark;
he was a shell of a man by the time he stepped down. I hope it was humbling experience that will cause him to think twice before berating another human being. Eh, who am I kidding?

At the start of round two Daniele walked out in the back yard and saw...oh, no, a giant aquarium! Big Brother is exploiting her Achilles' heel! I thought she was--excuse the pun--dead in the water, but she seem to get it together. Dick, however, was like an eel and slinked his way through the competition in half the time.

So round three was Zach against Dick, and you know I was praying Jameka-style that Zach would win. Sadly my prayers fell on deaf ears, because Dick was slightly better at correctly completing the jurors stilted sentences. That's right, Dick won the final HoH.

With the aplomb we've come to expect, Dick belted "It's done! We've won" over and over again. At least I think that's what he said, I was sobbing Amber-style and couldn't hear that well. I really didn't want this to happen. A Donato versus Donato final two? What could be less appealing?! Adding salt to the wound was when Dick mentioned how beloved Danielle and Jason of season three failed to accomplish what he and his daughter did. Ugh. Karma, where are you?

Even though Zach has dolphins tattooed on his back, he won me over in the end. Maybe he's just the lesser of three evils, but I would have liked to see him pull through. (Especially since the jurors would have rewarded his anti-Dick campaign.)

Speaking of jurors, when Eric takes a break from canoodling with Jessica he'll have to campaign and vote for America's preferred Donato. I'm not sure if Dick still has the hardcore fanbase of before, but I predict that's he'll get Eric's vote, and maybe some others if Eric is persuasive. Later in the week I'll detail how exactly I think the vote will go. For now, I'll just hang my head and cry.

Eleventh Evicted

Name: Jameka

Rank: Eleventh Evicted, Sixth Juror

Votes: 1 to 0

Best Ally: Amber

Worst Enemy: The Donatos

Memorable Moment: Even the friendliest and most mellow people have their limits. When Dick slandered Jameka's faith, she responded with a verbal onslaught of her own.

Biggest Blunder: Jameka herself recognizes that she should have played harder and looked out for herself before others.

Win or Go Home

Continuing the trend, the Tuesday episode started off with an unnecessarily long recap. This meant having to watch Zach’s awkward nomination ceremony again, and it was even more distressing to see Dick and Daniele laugh in his face the second time around.

What upset me most was the absurdity of Dick and Daniele taking such offence to Zach’s betrayal, lambasting him for “going back on his word.” They must suffer from short-term memory loss, because the rest of us remember how they betrayed loyal allies Jess and Eric only a few days ago.

Once the Donatos were finished griping, we saw Julie looking resplendent in a surprisingly professional pantsuit. Ms. Chen was in top form tonight: we were treated to a stellar “but first” early on, and several dramatic head turns throughout.

Since she obviously read my most recent post, Julie decided it was time to check in with the jury members. As always, the sequester house—tucked away in some sunny locale—looked lovely. Not only did it have a swimming pool, but it had a waterslide, which Dustin was eager to test out.

Dustin’s solitude didn’t last long; he was soon joined by Jen and the rest of the crew. The footage reminded me how much I miss Jen and Jessica, and how little I miss Amber—but hey, at least she didn’t cry.

Although they mightn’t be best buddies, the quintet in sequester look a lot happier than the four scourges back in the game. Tension was running incredibly high in the hours leading up to the last veto competition of the season. To cope with the stress, Jameka and Zach crammed like a pair of college students before the final exam. Elsewhere in the house Dick tried to build up Daniele’s confidence, but he really just agitated the butterflies in her stomach.

All the excruciating buildup culminated when the houseguests convened in the backyard. As Zach explained the rules of the veto competition, Daniele’s steely gaze and confident stance said it all—she was in to win. Not only was she determined, but she was smart too. Where’s the logic in putting the numbers on the wall before you’re completely sure you had the faces lined up?

The moment Daniele heard the ding that solidified her victory, my eardrums began to throb uncontrollably. Like an irate banshee, that girl screamed for a solid five minutes. And while I’m happy for her, I hate how Dick gets to share in the glory.

Why can’t he ever shut his mouth! Not only is Dick a sore loser, he’s a sore winner! His foulmouthed gloating prompted Jameka to say the best line of the season: “I think I’ll take some wine.”

Once Daniele won, it was clear how the episode would proceed. The only thing I didn’t predict was Daniele’s decision to use the veto to save her father. Yes, there was no risk involved, but it might foster some good will when the jury sees it. (But you have to ponder how crazy it would have been if Dick had voted out Daniele. That complete turnaround and despicable betrayal would have ranked as one of the most shocking events in reality TV.)

Since Dick isn’t that brazen, poor sweet Jameka was voted out. She may not be a strong player, but I think Jameka is one of the most endearing players of this season if not the series. Now, unfortunately we’re left with three fairly unlikable houseguests in the last week. Astoundingly Zach—Mr. “My Mind is a Samurai Sword”—is probably the most sympathetic. And I almost don’t want Daniele to win because, in essence, Dick wins as well.

The final two will be determined over the next few days. On a side note, I loathe how they conduct the final HoH competition. Best out of three makes sense, but there’s no reason why the winner of the first round shouldn’t compete in the second round. It may increase the suspense, but it isn't fair nor logical.

We’re in the homestretch. Now that jury-favorite Jameka is gone, who do you think will win this thing?